"Was Good While It Lasted"

"Don't bother holding on to 'maybes because most of the time, they turn out to be 'nots'.'' Annabella, 21

From Cosmopolitan (or "the Bible" as they call it in "Legally Blond") September 2005 issue, 40th birthday issue! ;) (Relationships advices) Some people base their love life on maybes. Yeah, I've done it, here's my story...

You know that first love...you're not really sure what love is but you are pretty sure that when it knocks on your door, you'll know. My story starts with Abraham (I'd like to say he was my first love, but I guess it was just infatuation.), he was one of the first guy in my life I felt I had strong feelings towards. I messed things up and hope I could fix it and that somehow we'd be back together...That was my first maybe that turned out to be "not"...He wasn't the one for me and I gotta say I realised it after putting little to absolutely no effort at getting him back and him acting the way he always had: like a big brother!

Years later, I met Dylan....kinda still hooked up on how I had "messed" things up with Josue, I figured this time, I wouldn't let him get away. He was my first love...I realised Josue before was nothing, just a little flame from when you're young. I loved Dylan and figured I'd never give up no matter what. Well, he gave up on me...and for a relationship that barely lasted a few months (and I'm including the ones he had a girlfriend, it took me three years to move on. I was holding on to maybes. It's like I was living just by telling myself: "Someday he'll realise he still loves me and maybe he'll come back to me..."

Amazing, for three years I waited for him??? Based on a maybe? Lol, thinking about that now, I think it's silly but in a way, I guess it helped me grow. Dylan was never totally gone, which might explain why the maybe was stuck like crazy. Anytime I'd feel I was gaining the power back, there he was and so was the maybe. Deep down I always knew he still cared. So it went on...until the day I got a phone call to meet up with him. A blast from the past I had desperatly been waiting for so of course, I didn't really think twice and ran to see him...

Some things in life just hurt...like that day, seeing he hadn't change at all, he was back with his ex, begging for my forgiveness (again), kept contact with someone from the time we were dating and yet, would only contact me once or twice a year if I was lucky! I played it cool, pretended to be indifferent when I wanted to scream: "I still love you, I've been waiting for you to come back." It wasn't coming...I guess that was the learning process, my heart was slow to accept that the maybe wasn't quite right but my mind did.

I changed my number after that episode. It was hard...I had always told myself I was holding on to that number for business and then it was in case someone would contact me out of the blue years later but who was I kidding? I had no business and the only call I had expected turned out not to be quite what I wanted and brought more pain than anything. I thought it was over. A few months later I was moving on and starting a new life. I thought I was ready to get involved with someone else, that the maybe was far behind me. Being hopelessly romantic, I wonder how I even thought the maybe was gone or that Dylan was gone for that matter...

My relationship with Lionel (the new man) sunked, which wasn't much of a surprise. While I was once again holding on to a maybe ( a new one), Dylan was back. I was more than happy to tell him off, play with his emotion, make him suffer as much as I possibly could...I wanted payback or, I was trying to figure out how honest his feelings were...

And you want to know what? In the end, his feelings were genuine (in his own way) and I almost gave into that "maybe if we were still together..." But I figured, been there, done that, I was going to run after the past just like he was. I figured it was about time I really moved on with my life because the maybe's never end. We were not together anymore and there was a reason for that. Three years later, he was still as scared as he once was. I don't think you ever stop loving someone, but you move on, sometimes it's better to.

I ruled against my maybe and I will yet again in the future with someone else. I want to move forward not look back. Know that expression: "Was good while it lasted"? Make it my point. I will keep the good memories and move on...maybe someday...? Yeah, it's ok just to not say never I guess, but I'm definitly not putting my life on hold for it! ;)