Nobody knows...

Just a part of Tony Rich's project describes how I feel but I guess it's more than enough...

"These four walls are closin' more every day
And I'm dying inside
And nobody knows it but me
Like a clown I put on a show
The pain is real even if nobody knows
And I'm cryin' inside
And nobody knows it but me"

Funny how nobody knows me, how I feel...I do hide it but I don't know, I guess I still hoped maybe, just maybe, someone out there cared or could feel it. Who cares? I said that not long ago...didn't know how much I meant it. But I feel I really do...you know how sometimes you can be so wrapped up in your little problems to the point you don't take enough time to listen? And by listen, I mean listening, to more then what is being said. But who cares anyways? I don't even think I do.

I'm the kind to freak out over little things and pretend everything is fine...Well they're not, hell, what's wrong with me??? Geez, I'm always sooo scared of imposing with "my stupid little problems". I think I could be a drama queen if I was given the chance to. Not that I want to be, but just once, I'd like to be able to freak freely and not feel like I'm overreacting and causing unnecessary stress around me.

Yup, that's me, one minute wanting to express myself, the next not wanting to burden others...Well, lol, I still open up my mind when it's something bugging me about them! Well I just have to get some sleep, I'll probably feel better in the morning... ;)

How Long?

How long can you pretend everything is alright before it all comes crashing down? I thought I was alright...well I guess, maybe I was pretending after all. Yeah, I probably was...trying to stay strong when deep down I'm soooo scared...I don't know why all of a sudden I'm freaking out. I expected things to be different for sure but why am I loosing all composure?

I tell myself, nothing will change whether I freak out or not so I try not to for the sake of those around me but I just don't know anymore how long it'll be before the break down. I wish I was naturally strong. Stronger than I pretend to be. That it wasn't a mask that maked me look in perfect control when I could lose it all.

I'm feeling the pressure, maybe it's all pressure coming from me, but I still feel it. It's driving me crazy, I just hate it. There's so much I want and yet so much I have to do. Why do they have to constrast and collide forcing me to chose...I can't, probably won't until the last moment when I'd be facing very difficult choices with a need for a decision to be taken immediatly...Hmmm...is that how long?