Angel

This is a song I wrote a while ago. Very inspiring at the moment. Hope you enjoy it, this is my only blues piece, one of my favorites.

I'm an angel
With no wings
But the sky
Ain't the limit for me

I'm living on this Earth
And pretend to be rebellious
But if you get to know me
You'll see, I'm an angel underneath

I wanna fly away
The sky ain't the limit
I'm an angel with no wings
But nothing can stop me from dreaming
Have yourself a goal
But have no limits

I wanna fly away
Sky ain't the limit for me
No the sky ain't the limit for me
No matter what you've been told

Never believe that the sky is the limit
Possibilities are endless
So you should never stop dreaming
©2002

Quietly...

Were do I go from here? I wouldn't say I'm overwhelmed by life, just that I am getting unexpected blessing. Maybe not blessings but I guess I'm learning to make the best out of everything. So a friend is leaving soon...Not only a friend, a past love. He's leaving for my dream destination! Lol, thought about going but I guess I have to say I have unfinished business here. Maybe someday.

I'm grabbing the bull by it's corns, I'm finally ready to face this life and what comes my way. Why? Because I know I can, and I want to. Just having the desire to, gives you wings to fly and when you can fly, there is absolutely no limit. I am not giving up, not now, not ever. I know what I want and I will reach out for my goals. I will leave the distractions asside and keep my head up high every step of the way and come what may.

I'm doing all this soo quietly, not creating much waves. This life was mine to grab and so I am. Now I choose succes in what I've been dreaming of for so long. Quietly, I am making my way to the top, hope you all do the same, and see you there!

Take care all!

Nobody knows...

Just a part of Tony Rich's project describes how I feel but I guess it's more than enough...

"These four walls are closin' more every day
And I'm dying inside
And nobody knows it but me
Like a clown I put on a show
The pain is real even if nobody knows
And I'm cryin' inside
And nobody knows it but me"

Funny how nobody knows me, how I feel...I do hide it but I don't know, I guess I still hoped maybe, just maybe, someone out there cared or could feel it. Who cares? I said that not long ago...didn't know how much I meant it. But I feel I really do...you know how sometimes you can be so wrapped up in your little problems to the point you don't take enough time to listen? And by listen, I mean listening, to more then what is being said. But who cares anyways? I don't even think I do.

I'm the kind to freak out over little things and pretend everything is fine...Well they're not, hell, what's wrong with me??? Geez, I'm always sooo scared of imposing with "my stupid little problems". I think I could be a drama queen if I was given the chance to. Not that I want to be, but just once, I'd like to be able to freak freely and not feel like I'm overreacting and causing unnecessary stress around me.

Yup, that's me, one minute wanting to express myself, the next not wanting to burden others...Well, lol, I still open up my mind when it's something bugging me about them! Well I just have to get some sleep, I'll probably feel better in the morning... ;)

How Long?

How long can you pretend everything is alright before it all comes crashing down? I thought I was alright...well I guess, maybe I was pretending after all. Yeah, I probably was...trying to stay strong when deep down I'm soooo scared...I don't know why all of a sudden I'm freaking out. I expected things to be different for sure but why am I loosing all composure?

I tell myself, nothing will change whether I freak out or not so I try not to for the sake of those around me but I just don't know anymore how long it'll be before the break down. I wish I was naturally strong. Stronger than I pretend to be. That it wasn't a mask that maked me look in perfect control when I could lose it all.

I'm feeling the pressure, maybe it's all pressure coming from me, but I still feel it. It's driving me crazy, I just hate it. There's so much I want and yet so much I have to do. Why do they have to constrast and collide forcing me to chose...I can't, probably won't until the last moment when I'd be facing very difficult choices with a need for a decision to be taken immediatly...Hmmm...is that how long?

"Was Good While It Lasted"

"Don't bother holding on to 'maybes because most of the time, they turn out to be 'nots'.'' Annabella, 21

From Cosmopolitan (or "the Bible" as they call it in "Legally Blond") September 2005 issue, 40th birthday issue! ;) (Relationships advices) Some people base their love life on maybes. Yeah, I've done it, here's my story...

You know that first love...you're not really sure what love is but you are pretty sure that when it knocks on your door, you'll know. My story starts with Abraham (I'd like to say he was my first love, but I guess it was just infatuation.), he was one of the first guy in my life I felt I had strong feelings towards. I messed things up and hope I could fix it and that somehow we'd be back together...That was my first maybe that turned out to be "not"...He wasn't the one for me and I gotta say I realised it after putting little to absolutely no effort at getting him back and him acting the way he always had: like a big brother!

Years later, I met Dylan....kinda still hooked up on how I had "messed" things up with Josue, I figured this time, I wouldn't let him get away. He was my first love...I realised Josue before was nothing, just a little flame from when you're young. I loved Dylan and figured I'd never give up no matter what. Well, he gave up on me...and for a relationship that barely lasted a few months (and I'm including the ones he had a girlfriend, it took me three years to move on. I was holding on to maybes. It's like I was living just by telling myself: "Someday he'll realise he still loves me and maybe he'll come back to me..."

Amazing, for three years I waited for him??? Based on a maybe? Lol, thinking about that now, I think it's silly but in a way, I guess it helped me grow. Dylan was never totally gone, which might explain why the maybe was stuck like crazy. Anytime I'd feel I was gaining the power back, there he was and so was the maybe. Deep down I always knew he still cared. So it went on...until the day I got a phone call to meet up with him. A blast from the past I had desperatly been waiting for so of course, I didn't really think twice and ran to see him...

Some things in life just hurt...like that day, seeing he hadn't change at all, he was back with his ex, begging for my forgiveness (again), kept contact with someone from the time we were dating and yet, would only contact me once or twice a year if I was lucky! I played it cool, pretended to be indifferent when I wanted to scream: "I still love you, I've been waiting for you to come back." It wasn't coming...I guess that was the learning process, my heart was slow to accept that the maybe wasn't quite right but my mind did.

I changed my number after that episode. It was hard...I had always told myself I was holding on to that number for business and then it was in case someone would contact me out of the blue years later but who was I kidding? I had no business and the only call I had expected turned out not to be quite what I wanted and brought more pain than anything. I thought it was over. A few months later I was moving on and starting a new life. I thought I was ready to get involved with someone else, that the maybe was far behind me. Being hopelessly romantic, I wonder how I even thought the maybe was gone or that Dylan was gone for that matter...

My relationship with Lionel (the new man) sunked, which wasn't much of a surprise. While I was once again holding on to a maybe ( a new one), Dylan was back. I was more than happy to tell him off, play with his emotion, make him suffer as much as I possibly could...I wanted payback or, I was trying to figure out how honest his feelings were...

And you want to know what? In the end, his feelings were genuine (in his own way) and I almost gave into that "maybe if we were still together..." But I figured, been there, done that, I was going to run after the past just like he was. I figured it was about time I really moved on with my life because the maybe's never end. We were not together anymore and there was a reason for that. Three years later, he was still as scared as he once was. I don't think you ever stop loving someone, but you move on, sometimes it's better to.

I ruled against my maybe and I will yet again in the future with someone else. I want to move forward not look back. Know that expression: "Was good while it lasted"? Make it my point. I will keep the good memories and move on...maybe someday...? Yeah, it's ok just to not say never I guess, but I'm definitly not putting my life on hold for it! ;)

Happily Narcissistic

I have missed writing...And there's been sooo much change in my life. Like assuming myself...(well getting a big head is more like it but, whatever!) I like this!!! I like being narcissistic, I AM narcissistic and I say it loud and proud! I think I deserve to be. After many poor life and love choices, I'm back on track. In order to spoil myself, I have decided I would see myself as worthy of the best. And how do you do so? It's obvious, you just see yourself as the best!

My sister used to annoy me like crazy because she's a bit like this, it has it's advantages. For example...I won't deny I could afford to lose 5 to 10 pounds and yet, I know I look and feel great!  I don't even need to be told. I just feel like a million bucks. Like my sister when she'd look at herself in the mirror and would say: "Danze!" (Bare with me...this word doesn't exist and it's hard for me to figure out how to write it so it's easy for people who speak english (it's kinda in french) to pronounce it right.) Let's just say it means: "In that outfit I could cause a crash!" Lol

I call it the side effects of singlehood. Well for me at least...I realised I settle for less in the past so thinking I'm the best makes me wait and I shall choose carefully, next time, who is worthy to be mine. Right now, I am having a BIG problem (well not really 'cause I don't mind being single) but guys seem to want to have their cake and eat it too. Since when do you get intimate with someone before the relationship? I mean, it happens but if it's primarly what you're looking for don't try to let me think you'll ever be serious!!! I do not want a friend with benefits! Lol, sometimes I feel like I have to draw a picture! ;)

Narcissistic me says I'll do what I had planned to do before, maybe wait a year into the relationship before being intimate with someone. Not just anyone can or will get some lovin' from me and AMEN to that!!! Well I have never been easy but now that even includes the effort I'd put in a relationship. If a guy wants to be with me, he better show me he will work at it if we're having troubles. I'll do my part but not even a tiny bit more than what is required. He's gotta know he's lucky he even got a chance to talk to me in the place! Refer to the title if you have a problem with that! Lol

From where I'm standing now, it feels great to be me and I wouldn't trade it for the world. I am full of project, potential and talent and I'm not looking for anyone to validate that. Would be cool someone to share it with but being alone is definitly not what will stop me. I have loved and I was "wrong" so now, I'm saving all this love I have for me. I'm happily narcissistic and will only change that for the most amazing person in the world!

So come on, be a little narcissistic, I don't think it's never really hurt anyone! ;)

A Dose of Reality

Let's see: anyone who knows me probably saw that one coming! Lol, it's about reality tv (partly). I just watched Million Dollar Baby and Little Black Book. Million Dollar baby doesn't have much to do with reality tv but, in some ways, looking at a boxing match on your tv, waiting to see who will win is reality tv. I hate boxing (still I liked the movie) and most reality shows but anyways, back to the subject, really.

When the movie started, (Little Black Book) I mentionned to my sister, the job the main caracter has, is a job I'd like, as in working for tv...definitly not a talk-show or reality tv. She told me to watch the extra they had on that job. Quite deceiving 'cause it was on talk-shows, I'd do that job but not for a talk-show!

My own sister doesn't know me that well...sad, this is my reality! And it got me wondering why the hell some people can read me sooo wrong!! I was called for the Ricki Lake show (best example of not knowing me). Now, I was told the title of the show was : "I have a crush on you" came with a warning that it could be anyone even a 90 years old neighbor! A coworker etc, etc...I didn't say yes, said I had to think about it. I didn't care about the free weekend to New York, star treatment or anything...I cared for the subject...

And I shouldn't have because it got me pissed as hell. Now anyones who knows me, even just a bit, knows, or at least should know (especially if they're saying they have a crush on me) two things :

1.-I have a crazy unpredictable temper.
2.-If you have something to say, say it straight to my face.

This is why I chose not to go. Snapping on National television doesn't give me a kick! Hell no, I figured I'd make a fool out of both of us 'cause I'd probably scream something like : 'Hell, no!" Or, "you really had to bring me on tv to tell me that?" or anything rude you can think of. I don't need my life on National tv, thanks! So I turned it down. You wanna know what the best part is? I got to figure out who was stupid enough to call the show, I even got to find out the real subject : "I'm not sure I'm gay, can I kiss you to find out"...Now, if you know me, picture me with a forced smile...

I almost killed the guy! One thing's for sure, he would've been humiliated on tv by me! Two reasons, he damn well knew he was gay, he just wanted a free trip to New York to meet a new guy and I hate those kind of lies.

Why do those freaking shows exist? I watch Maury sometimes, I think his show still has some class (some). But hell, there's that reality craze going on! It's not reality people!!! Wake up. I think people like me who'd rather live their lives quietly and not have the whole world know, are more real than any idiot who wants to wash their dirty laundry on tv. Oh, yeah, you look so intelligent on tv saying you cheated with so and so and so or telling your lover that you really are a man. Say it in private please, will you?!?

I saw that guy who almost cried asking his girlfriend why she couldn't have just told him what she did privately at home. While I did feel sorry for the guy and changed channel (I still wonder how come they think tears bring ratings), I still thought to myself : "Hello, Jerry Springer!!! Why are you crying for, fool! You should've known!". Take all those shows off the air, I don't know what to watch anymore!!! Sorry I'm not a happy camper, I just found out "Tru Calling" was cancelled and it seems like we're invaded by shows like : Big Brother, Survivor, American Idol and all this crap!!! Hear me please and bring my old tv back. And if you know me, DON'T EVER have a reality show call me! But you know better already! ;)

I Can Hear Your Soul...

I don't always spend much time with my friends. Shame on me. I could blame it on a busy schedule, but most of the time it's just lazyness or plain stupidity. I LOVE my friends! They're incredible, yet somehow, I sometime spend time with people who are less worthy or my presence and who's presence I enjoy a lot less.

But it doesn't seem to bother me completely and when I talk to them or see them, I still feel close as if we saw each other yesterday. I gotta say, most of my friends, well all my friends are blessed with talent. I'm quite lucky, I get to read, see or hear beautiful creations every now and then. I never realised that in a way, it's what keeps me close to them. Not talking about whatever, just hanging out etc....I mean, that too but all the writing, the singing, the amazing talent. the way they express themselves through art....I can hear their soul...(way of speaking)

It's beautiful, really. And I am happy to be so blessed. Whether it is a new blog by Kat or Jo, a song by Oscar and even Kat, I can hear their voice rendering it the most perfect way possible, because it's all their's...It's all them. It's authentic, deep and beautiful. :) It's all them, who they are, who they'll be...

What makes them so unique and special may be that way they have of communicating. This openess, this beautiful soul...Who knows?! For now, all I can say is I cherish their friendship and every art piece they create Because it's theirs, because they're talented, and because I can hear their soul whispering through it all...

Declaration of independance...

From now on, I will be my own person
I will not let anyone tell me how I should run my life
I will not make my decisions based on other people's advice but what I think is right for me...

I have realised something...Only I know what's good for me. I am my own person and everyone has a different personnality. So, really, whenever I'm asking for advice, I usually take the one of the person I look up to the most, the wise ones (Kat and Rose when she feels like it)...or I do whatever I want. and hey, they've helped me a great deal.

But at some point I wouldn't listen anymore, I was just so much into thinking I was right, when, really, I wasn't thinking at all. Mostly has to do with love...I've been foolish I have to say...I've been lost. Anyhow, I've decided to say what I mean and mean what I say. So I wear my heart on my sleeve...like I used to. I may be bound to get hurt doing this, but man, it feels soooo good. I think that's the only way to be truly happy.

I won't overthink anymore, I'll do what my heart tells me is right. I will enjoy the little moments in life, I will no longer feel guilty over what I can not control. If I make a mistake, I'll do my best to fix it and if I can't, well, I'll try to learn from it and move on. I've always said no regrets, but that should include guilt and everything else. Even better, I'll talk less about my life. To keep a little mystery and keep away unwanted advices.

This is life, this is me, Caroline. As real as can ever be. I won't ever try being someone that I'm not 'cause in the end, it doesn't suit me. If you hate me, it's alright, I think I got plenty of friends who love me, just the way I am. That's how it's suppose to be. So live fully, enjoy and be your own person. ;)

Love Is Such A Crazy Thing

That's the title of a song by P!nk....I think it would be right to say that I'm totally lost and confused. I'm pretty sure I want to be alone. But how do you open up your mouth to say that to someone you love when you know it could hurt them?

I don't want to wait after love. I just wanna live and I know it should (and will) find me. It has in the past why not now? Love hurts...I know, but to what extend? Maybe I have unrealistic expectations for the one who'd share my life. Or maybe those who want to share my life have unrealistic expectations...

Hell, I hate this...Real love is selfless I believe, yet I find myself wanting to be selfish...maybe I don't believe anymore or don't feel the reciprocity. I don't think I do. I doubt I'm the saddest person on this earth or the only unlucky one in love. It just seems to me that whenever, I chose I'll always be wrong, I can never be right.

Blind dates maybe...I'd have my friends hunt for me, find me a perfect guy and take it from there. But I'm picky, lol, that idea wouldn't last long and after a friend tried to play matchmaker, I've realised she wasn't good at it and you can just have nothing in common (well when you don't talk it's hard to tell, lol) with someone! It wasn't a date, just a night out that turned out to be a total nightmare! Lol, I'm still trying to erase the memory. I might tell this story and other humiliating ones some other time.

I gotta come to the conclusion that I am not happy. My life is nothing like I expected, I can live with that, but perpetuating agonising situations is plain stupid. I'm taking a leap of faith, hoping life will treat me right after I turn around and decide to move on with my life.After all, from what I know, I told myself that if I dind't find what I was looking for, if I couldn't be happy, I'd chose me.

I had a list of things I wouldn't accept, but then again...love makes you blind. Man, I should refer to my "Everything You Want" blog whenever, I wanna get close to someone. One can only make a mistake a couple of times before moving on...Well, I sure hope! Lol

Enough blogs for today, you all take care and don't follow my example ;)

Some Things You Gotta Deal with...

So here it is...my dad's got a tumor and my grandpa...well he's kind of a time bomb. And nobody sees that I'm not dealing well with this. My life is going crazy, I don't know what I want, I don't know what to do... Well, I'm lying a bit, I'm not happy and I know why. It has nothing to do with my dad or grandpa but the choices I've made... The consequences of the choices I've made, the ones I have yet to take, and the ones I'm not acting on.

I'm a bad family member...I've been neglecting my family, my friends and my entire life for someone "I love"...Yeah, maybe I doubt that now, I've got my reasons. It's not too late I should be doing something about it but I have another problem....I'm not good at talking. Small talk is fine, but when feelings are involved...man, I suck. I don't know what to say to my dad. And my grandpa, I love him, but it's hard going to the hospital all the time, see him lying there saying he wants it to be over...

I don't want it to be over. I barely ever visit him but I love him. I know he must go, maybe soon but it's hard to accept and I stay away a bit. It hurt so much when my grandma died...I don't wanna go through this again though I must.

So is this a time to look back and see how bad of a grand daughter and daughter I have been? I don't need to be told. I already know. A friend? Well I've been trying lately and I guess I'm not so bad since I haven't been told to get lost.

I'm not sure what to do, well I know what to do but I'm not sure how. And I guess I wanna talk to someone...But I'm guessing it's late and no one cares...why would they anyways? I haven't been an example...

I have a song called "Hapiness In A Bottle" that kinda relates to the way I live my life by pretending some things don't exist. Like my dad's tumor or my grandpa numerous heart attacks...Doesn't mean that I think they'll be okay, just that I'd rather stick my head in the sand and tell myself comes what may before running away from whatever comes.

Wish I could tell the future...Maybe it would help me move forward and stick my head out of the sand. but this is life and I can't so I'll just learn to deal with it. With everything coming my way.

In Less Than One Year...

This is a very old text (from about 7 years ago), very emotion charged to me. My sister told me once that God manifests himself sometimes by sending a particular person our awy when we need it the most...I don't know if it's God I have to thank, but he is the story...

P.S.: I'm adding some explainations as I go...the text is old and some parts could be explained better.

In Less Than One Year

In less than one year, I started to believe in myself. In less than one year, I started to believe in my dreams. In less than one year, I changed my way of seeing life. In less than one year, I found the real me. In less than one year, I regained hope. I can say it took less than one year for my life to really begin.

We all have periods in our lives when we feel down. When it seems like nothing goes the way we planned. It's normal, we're human beings. We're not perfect. Sometimes, it's worse, you don't want to go any further, you've got more than just the blues. You're totally depressed. I was in Secondary 2 (second year of high school) when it happened to one of my friends. It took time to realize that I was depressed too. But when I realized it, I didn't want to ask for help because I would always do everything myself and I didn't want to look stupid with my little problems. I stopped hanging out with my usual friends, I would spend more time with that girl. It seemed like only we could understand each other. Maybe this is why it was dangerous. We both had problems, problems we felt couldn't be solved. I guess sharing our problems only made us feel worse. We started thinking about suicide. I remember how we would talk about it, in a way people wouldn't hink we had it in mind. Well, not completely, in some way, it was a cry for help, we wanted them to notice, to realize what was happening.

I used to wonder if she had more luck than I did but I realized she didn't. She went to see a psychologist and he said she had to go on a trip, she had to get away for a period of time to forget her problems (what she considered to be, it was more like getting away from the source.) She did. The time she was gone, at the beginning, I felt lonely. It was as if nobody cared as much as she did. I stopped believing in everything. It's around that time, that a teacher, I hadn't really paid attention to, saved, in some way, my life. As I said, my friend and I were thinking about suicide. I might sound selfish but now, I think the fact that she went away was the best thing to ever have happened to me, well, next to this teacher maybe.

When someone is absent, you can't speak to that person, so I couldn't speak to her, so I started to listen in class. That teacher was wonderful. He would treat us as equal, not like other people who feel they have to show they are superior or something. I learned a lot tjat year, he was more than only a French teacher and when I'm saying I learned a lot, I mean, I learned more than French. He would tell us to believe in ourselves, to beliweve in our dreams and not let anyone tear them away. He would always encourage us to do what we wanted to do an to be proud of ourselves. He told us that whatever our dream was, if we really believed in it we would succeed.

My friend wasn't as lucky as me, her trip made things worse for her, in some way because she fell in love and she had to come back. She found out she was pregnant and that less than a week after she got back home, he was already with another girl. She didn't keep the baby and I promised myself never to judge her. Instead I tried to understand what she was going through and to help her. I knew her reason and I respected her choice. It was hard because I have always been against abortion and I know she used to be. Still, she couldn't raise a baby in her state of mind.

When she came back, We both had changed, changed, but in very different ways. I wanted to make her understand that even if life wasn't wonderful, we could make ours better. I don't know, I guess she didn't understand or she didn't want to understand what I was trying to tell her because it seemed to me she wasn't getting any better. She moved, she said she'd keep in touch but she didn't really keep in touch. She would send a letter to someone we both knew and she would just say she was ok.

Today I've been told she's doing fine and that she has overcome her problems. I don't know how she did but I'm happy for her. I know not everyone has as much luck as we did . We didn't commit suicide and I think the only reason I'm here today is because I met a person who helped me. Personally, I can say, that year, I decided who I wanted to be, what kind of person I wanted to be. I decided to fight for what I believe is right, for what I deserve. Not to let anything or anyone bring me down and to always believe in myself. Because like one of my English teachers would say all the time: "If you don't scratch your own back, nobody else is going to do it for you."

I don't really have a conclusion because it's a period of my life and my life hasn't come to an end, yet. But, I think to conclude this text, nothing's more appropriate than my introduction so, like I said before: "In less than one year, I started to believe in myself. In less than one year, I started to believe in my dreams. In less than one year, I changed my way of seeing life. In less than one year, I found the real me. In less than one year, I regained hope. I can say it took less than one year for my life to really begin."

The writing isn't the best but I didn't want to modify it. It's a part of my life and funny part in a way is I was maybe 16 years old when I wrote that text and I still reach out to it every once in a while. To remind myself why I'm still here and why I can't give up. If there is one thing I want to remember after all this time is, and I quote form the text: "even if life wasn't wonderful, we could make ours better."

Keep that in mind. I sure try to, and when I forget, I reach for that text.

Love you all ;)

Scratch your own back because nobody else will do it for you...

I had kinda forgot that line a teacher used to say all the time. Still she'd scaratch our back every once in a while. Don't take it litterally...by that she meant that you oughtta take care of yourself and put yourself first because others won't put you first. You see, we live in an individualistic society...people worship the "me, myself and I" mentality... I don't think I do...I try to think about other people, sometimes more than myself.

Feels good when you get recognition for what you do...doesn't it? Does it happen often though? Hmmm...if you're lucky like I once was, it happens or happened often. Unfortunatly now I gotta learn to scratch my own back. I'm always scared of sounding narcissistic so I stay in the shadow, don't brag about what I do great etc. If I'm asked if I'm good at something, I always reply that I'm alright not amazingly good even if I'd be. Lack of confidence? Maybe...For sure, I'd never say I'm the best...when you're the best, there's not place for failure. But I do hate failing...When I do...it makes me lack even more confidence.

"The only difference between failing and falling is whether or not you choose
to get up." Author Unknown

Nice quote...I like it a lot, it is true...I associate it with the previous one. Even if you failed, you must've done something good; maybe it's just that you learned from your mistake. So scratch your back and get back up. We have a tendancy to look for comfort, love, tenderness elsewhere while it's right inside of us. Yes, it is...I've realised that...because only you know what you need, what's good for you. What you want, where you're headed...the choice is always yours...no one else's... Maybe this is why they won't scratch your back...

And if they do...maybe they have an ulterior motive? Oh, well who cares...It feels just as good scratching my back than having someone scratch it for me...even better scratching it myself I think...So this is it.

I say this to everyone...scratch your own back and feel damn good about it. And if someone scratches it for you, make it double. Always feels good! ;)

A table, a chair maybe?

Have you ever felt like you were part of the fournitures? Maybe the decoration... I guess everyone has, at leat once in there life. I don't like trying to be the center of attention. I'm the quiet one, I could be standing there for a while and you wouldn't notice. I'm probably crying inside 'cause I feel invisible when I know I am not. So why doesn't anyone care? Why doesn't anyone care to make me part of the life instead of the fournitures?

Maybe I give the impression that it's alright with me... Yeah, I guess, wll maybe not... I mean, I do get out of my corner every once in a while but I probably don't make a strong impression. Yup, that may be why... SO in a way I'm nothing...or it's just: "let her be, it's ok, she doesn't mind. ­" I DO MIND!!! Hell if I take the time to be somewhere, I doubt it was to stand in a lonely corner... Yeah, my corner.

That corner with I've shared a love/hate relationship with, for years. Love because when some creeps get on your case it's always welcome. Hate, because you can just become trapped in there and become it. Invisible...I'm not, I try to get myself noticed and not go overboard, 'cause I can't stand being the center of attention. I can't stand being ignored either. Am I normal?!

For example at a party, ever notice how everyone encourages you to come and once you're there, if you're like me, you're on your own! It's like a big : GOOD LUCK!!! And if you're "lucky" enough and you know the organiser will sure come to say hi and tell you to "join the party." Hell some will even try to force you into a group. They'll make presentations, stay a few minutes and once they're gone, well you're fourniture again.

Hell, I guess I deserve better than that, maybe I should learn to vocalize more?!? Just that it's hard to forget old me who'd go balistic and scream over nothing! I'd always make a fuss. It was pretty impossible to miss me unless, of course, you were deaf!!! I don't know, I've never found a balance. Really sucks, and sometimes you're not only in a corner, you're also cornered... You try to make yourself heard and it doesn't seem to work, you'd wanna leave but don't want it to seem too obvious why you are...

Lol, don't ask me for the answer to this dilemma. I guess it's all about how you see things. You choose to think about yourself or spare guilt to those who were surrounding you! So anyhow, let me know what your choice is. ;)

And you'll never know how good it feels...

Ok, I will sound narcissistic, but put it like that...I have a high opinion of myself. Everyone should. Lately I had some people in my life who were getting the best of me...Ouf, yeah, so out of 3, 1 is gone, Jill. That was just great and I told the others what bugged me about them! I think I never felt this good! So back to Jill, I wish I could say I cared a lot.

But I tell myself she never really appreciated me, took avantage of me, sure, but no real appreciation. This makes me value my real friends even more, but it also makes me suspicious of new people in my life. It's easy not to appreciate someone an take advantage of all the little goo things they bring into your life.

We had fun, shared laughter not really tears, mostly fun, but I realise I do not like what she brought into my life. Mostly, lets be honest, bad behaviour...it's cool for sometime but when you look back at it, you put it in the corner of your mind as youth mistakes! ;)

You'll never know how good it feels...yeah, that's for her but in my life, Jill's not the only one who's done me wrong. I LOVE my friends! I'd be there 'til the end and I'd do whatever I can for them. Well so long as I consider them real friends...I'm picky and anytime I've let my guards down, well,I've realised I shouldn't have. I can hold a grudge, won't let it destroy me but believe me, I can hold it forever.

I can also forgive but it will never be the same. Know the saying: "You're forgiven but not forgotten." That's what I live by. So anyone who does me wrong will never know how good it feels to have someone like me in their life. A friend that will be there and not give up on you unless you give up on me. 'Cause if you do, in a way, you're just not a friend at all. I bother for some people but not all. Some I just know I care and always will no matter what they do. Others, I just let go...they don't deserve my worrying.

As for those of you (my friends) if you don't know that I care you should know very soon and I've probably told you before. But I sure will once again and every once in a while so you always know, you are special to me. I definitly know how good it feels to have you in my life. ;)

Love yourself the way you are...

Why is it so hard to accept that we are a certain way? Of course there are always some things we can change but not everything. And why do we want to change whatever it is we want to change? Hapiness?! Well here's my 2 cents!

I'm a freak in certain ways, well maybe not but I suffer from anxiety a lot. My little remedy?! "Don't sweat the small stuff and it's all small stuff" by Richard Carlson. Yeah, if you're like me, I'll even go further and suggest the audio book. It's a real unexpensive therapy. ;) I can't quite remember what exactly the lines says but it's something like that: "Wherever you are going, you're already there." (The basic idea is still there.) As in, like he says, we always think we need more to be happy. But hapiness starts right there with us. Doesn't it? It's a bit like the Good Mood story, you choose how anything and everything affect you.

So...if you choose to love yourself the way you are, will it matter what other people say? Hell, the other day I went out, and I was dressed extremely sexy I gotta say. I was thinking I went overboard but still I was like :Ok. too bad, I'm already out, I look good, I'm sexy it's all good. I'm walking, on my way to the bus stop, this idiotic judgemental guy who's with his friends, probably wanted to whisper, but I heard, says: "she's such a slut." Now in my mind I went like , wait a minute...but I just kept walking! Why? 'Cause I chose it wouldn't affect me! He thinks I dress too sexy...ok, that makes me a slut? To his eyes maybe.

So let say, for example, that I'm fat. Someone calls me a big fat ugly pig. Well, should I let it affect me? Nope. Why? Simple, maybe I'm not the prettiest of the bunch and maybe I'm fat but it's ok, beauty is in the eye of the beholder and it's for sure someone will see past that. I say that to anyone who doesn't feel right. Lately my friend's been stressing over a guy who said he wasn't interested to be with someone and then his with someone not so long after. Yeah, the other person is fit and god looking so my friend is obssesing.

"I'm not good looking enough, I'm not fit enough, I'm not attractive, this is killing me." Sad, because no one deserves to feel this way, but you know what? We're doing this to ourselves! Like I told my friend, do you really want to be with a stupid superficial person? Someone who won't love you for all that you are? My friend is good looking, not rreally fat, not the gym type but who cares? Maybe he did. But someone great who won't will come along.

I say unless it's a question of life and death be realistic. If you want to change, go ahead, but don't think your whole life will come tumbling don't if you don't! you have the right to mess up. Even fail. If you stay the same it's alright, 'cause that's who you are and it's the only way to stay true to yourself. You may see yourself as more attractive in a certain way when others won't! It's alright.

And before heading out for a change, boobs job, weight lost, muscle shaping, make sure it's for yourself and that you already love yourself the way you are. Also ask yourself if it's really going to bring you what you want or just an illusion. Sometimes it's all it brings in the end...deception. If you don't love yourself to start with, you're only starting the change and it will never end!

Listen to the song "Unpretty" by TLC if it's a guy that's pressuring you to change!

AND Love yourselves!!!

I do! :)

Number 1, 2, 3 or maybe 200 007 789...

What's your number? Hmmm...let's see to mastercard, I'm account no. 5258 9489 **** ****, Columbia House *****309596 , Fido, my cell company *******472286, anyhow, to resume....we are a number. All of us...sad but true. The moment you are born in a way. To the gouvernement, you're a social security number, to the compagnies, you're an account number...

So in a way you're nothing, you're a source of revenu...try to call a compagny and say you don't have your account number close to hand, do they ask for a name? Nope! Most of the time, they start with the phone number. We've been having troubles with the phone compagny because the name listed isn't right. Man, for two years, I've been telling them to correct it! But who cares so long as your account number is right?

I assume it, I'm a number to several compagny, I have credit cards, reward cards, bank accounts, memberships etc... Wow, that's a lot. I'm not really keeping track of my accounts no., I only know a few by heart...Never really striked me that I could remember 12-16 digits long numbers.

Maybe that is why I value a great customer service, when they call you by your name and make you forget for a second that you're just a number. Hmmm...also why I value my friends so much and I don't have many? They could never be a number to me. Lol, I could count them on the fingers of the hand and I still have some fingers left. I also like to know that to them I'm not a number. I'm a person. I'm definitly not a source of revenu, lol. Good to know.

It's quite sad to know some old people spend their day calling phone custumer services to have the feeling someone cares. Very sad, they're just a number and eventually the representative will manage to get rid of anyone wo doesn't have an issue to be resolved. Why? Too expensive to chat with an old lady with no life. Time is money...yeah, and people are numbers...

What now?

I have a hard time making decisions...It's like the smallest decision I take will affect my whole life. Maybe not shake it down to the core but since I don't know what the master plan is...I guess I'm right to be a lil' scared. I just finished reading Lightning by Dean R. Kootnz, my favorite author. Wow, lol, for a person like me, that book is something.Then again I can't exactly tell why.

I'm looking for change right now. In the book there's a line that I will try to translate given that I read it in french, it's: "destiny fights to restore what was meant to be"...So I'm thinking, should I just take chances and do whatever the hell I want without thinking twice since I believe in fate which is was destiny is fighting for?

Am I making any sense? Thinking of long lost friends, when they get back into your life, somehow it was meant to be...or if they never do and you just keep living your separate ways isn't there a reason why? Hmmm...I guess it's just like letting go. I think I didn't give my credit to fate lately and I've been trying to make things happen a little too much. I'm thinking of just going with the flow, try a bit and just see what happens.

So no more trying, no more fighting, I'm leaving that to destiny. I won't try to force things anymore, 'cause if it's meant to be...This also means that I'm letting go of a couple of things and people. Sad but true, I think it's all related. I've started already. Hell if it's meant to be, they'll cross my path again someday but I won't try to force it.

Funny how we spend our life fighting instead of just letting it flow...I see something coming up for a friend and you know why I think it's coming? Because she stopped fighting and went on to live her life. Fate will take care of it. People tend to want to rush into it, we shouldn't. In a way, that's my hope. Something great is coming my way eventually. I'm not saying I will sit on my ass and wait for it but I'll stop trying to figure out waht it is and I'll just ive towards the goals I had and whatever that is will only make me more overjoyed when it comes my way.

It will be like a gift from destiny. Destiny has a gift for each and every one of us, I believe. And yeah, sometimes life sucks and you get hit by something bad when you least expect it, but believing in fate helps. Because in a way no matter what really does happen, it was meant to be. I think we have a certain amount of will power but that most of our life is already planned...already written somewhere. Maybe thatt's why some people are able to predict the future?

I saw a card reader about 2 years ago, I believe, hmmm...I'm not going to say she sucked, lol, she was right about everything in the past, made several mistake about my future and predicted other things I never wanted...well maybe when I was way younger! ;)

So I didn't meet the man of my life in march the next year, didn't start my business, didn't have twins! Lol, I'm far from that. So she predicted 3 kids when I wanted none or maybe one, a man when I was pretty much single and only had a fling in march..lol, definitly not the one...though he's coming back...Lol, also my business...well I'm an artist manager, it's sort of a business so I'll give her the benefice of the doubt. Lol, my ex, Dylan, contacted me, opposite to what she said. Hmmm...I'd have to listen to that tape again.

So yeah, apparently she sucks with timing so I'll just see. Still, it was interesting...yeah, I guess I'm out to listen to that tape again. See what fate has in store for me. And I won't make that happen believe me, my personal life plan was far from what seh predicted! So tell you how good she was in about 10-15 years. Lol, also will tell you if fate did a good job!

'Til then keep on livin'!!! :D

It is better to have love and lost than never to have loved at all...

Ever heard about sounding like a broken record? Well I'm lucky I have plenty of CD-R's left because my Whithney Houson never could've handle that much of me playing "Where Do Broken Hearts Go"...Love and lost, this is what this blog is about. Recovery? Maybe...

I watched Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind recently. Twice. Once pretty late, alone and a second time with someone I love...my ex. What's to say...I love this movie. A friend recommended it and since I trust her taste, I bought it. I don't regret it one bit. Before seeing that movie, I was pretty much the person you'd hear say to anyone who would listen that the title of my blog is bull. This is an old draft I'm finishing with a new perspective.

Back to the movie...Joel wants to erase his ex girlfriend Clementine from his memory after hearing she went through the same procedure. As you watch the movie, you're in his mind. You're following the whole process of Joel realising how much he loves her and doesn't wanna forget. So...if you could erase someone you loved, would you?

I definitly would've said yes giving how much I hate being told told it is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all. But now, I wouldn't say yes. Memories are precious, they can not be replaced, sometimes we take for granted things we shouldn't. And it seems when we get hurt, we'd rather remember the bad, for protection I guess. The movie made me look back...I love my memories, I wouldn't trade them in for nothing in the world. Since I have to, I'll take the good...and the bad. 'Cause when you look back, it wasn't always so bad.

I don't know, this movie is magic. And I value what I have a little more now. I'm kinda scared to have it all taken away from me. True that in a way I wouldn't know, but so long as the choice is mine, I'm keeping it all. Why? Because I can...and I'd feel empty without it, in a way. All my experience made me who I am today and I wouldn't trade it for anything in the world. Of course, I'll still say it's bull sometimes but deep down?...Maybe it is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.

And all of you who have never loved? You don't know what your missing! ;)

I will never tell...

Lol, the title is a line from the movie: "Don't Say A Word" Lol, not really related but I thought I'd say this in a funny way not to get angry. I'm trying to remember that this is meant to be positive for our "modern days superheros"???!? Lol, well this reference name is from one of them; a dear friend who witnessed a burglary.

I'm guessing we have two categories here. Maybe more...let's keep it to two.

1.-People who will stop at nothing to try to help bring some justice(not all extremists)
2.-Those who will never tell(not meaning anyone, but those who should know)

So, this is meant to be a tribute to the first ones. So my friend is is her appartement not asking anything from the world(Lol, she unfortunatly never does); when she witnesses something strange. People using the back door of a store, a door she's never seen used before. Like anyone would, she didn't put too much into it. But later the police shows up and something seems to be going on...What does our modern day superhero does? She goes to the police and reports seeing something strange. Ok, she then had to identify suspects and all, lets not get into it. But she's freely investing time. Why?! It's not that hard, just depends how selfish you are.

I badly tried to avoid talking about the second category but her it goes...Those who will never tell...I remember a few years ago, a guy got shot not far from were I live. In the paper they were saying it was like a western scene. He took 12 bullets or something...right after a party that about 200 people attended. No one saw anything. Come on!!!! Anyways, if I were there, I would have told every single little details I knew of. And if I were next to be shot? Well if that helps get those criminals off the streets, I'm happy.

I have another friend that was stabbed in an after-hour and I was pretty shocked to hear that there was a witness who actually talked. They never found the guys who attacked him but at least someone spoke. Which brings me back to our modern day heroes!

Thanks to you guys, we have a better society. Because you speak up and care about the world surrounding you. It is great the police can count on people like you. Like my friend Kat says, they do not wear a cape, but with or without a cape or superpowers, these people deserve all our attention and respect.

So keep on telling heroes! We love you and thank you.

A walk?...anyone...?

Part one

I live in the city. A city like any others. People are busy. People have things to do, people to see...I like walking....Lol, does that make any sense? I'm not sure it was meant to. Just that I feel, in the city, people are sooo busy!!! Too busy to enjoy life. And if they walk, it's from point A to B. Everyone has a goal. Do I have one when I walk? Sure, I know where I'm going, but is it really my goal?

Nope, my goal is to enjoy the ride, observe, find some peace of mind. I like walking, I like thinking. I like to break free from my life that I consider busy. Is it really busy? How? What am I to do that can't wait, that's sooo important? My life, my well-being...

Besides that, I don't see anything else. So I'm not saying my life can wait but I don't wanna spend it in that constant urgent state too many people live in. I wanna be able to stop, take a deep breath and just live freely. Walk just 'cause I want to, my well-being tells me I need to slow down every once in a while. And when I need to slow down, I take a walk...

Now part two...

Like I stated before, I like walking. Do you know what reminds me anytime I live in a city and people are busy? Well their lack of respect for pedestrian would be a good example. Hell, how many times have I almost got hit by a car? Hard to keep track. Stop signs ignored, red lights ignored, excess speeding people just not paying ANY attention to what is surrounding them! HEY, I know you're in a hurry but do you mind not brushing my pants with your car!!!

Yeah, I'm a lil' pissed off. I have every right to be. People commit so many effractions...Man, I wish every pedestrian had the right to hand in tickets. All this just makes me want to stay home and take the bus. But I don't give up. And when I ride my bicycle...OMG, it's even more dangerous, all those doors, once again, drivers turning without warning and sooo much more...

Well they didn't get to me yet. And I know us, pedestrian, don't always respect the signalisation. One thing remains, when we don't, chances are we'll hurt ourselves, for the automobilists, when you don't, chances are, you'll hurt someone like me! So please be careful while driving!

And anyone who thinks they're too busy to take it slow and just enjoy a ride; take a vacation far away from the city. Once you get there, take a deep breath and start walking. ;)

GOOD MOOD

This text was not written by me. I received it in a class I attended. I like the message very much and I can honestly say that that's a great way to live and we can and shoud all learn from Jerry! ;)

The text is originally in french, so if anything was lost in translation, let me know! ;)


Good Mood

Jerry is a manager in the restoration in Philadelphia. He is always in a good mood and always has something positive to say. When he is asked how it goes, he always answers: "If I were better than that,we would be two: my twin and me!"

When he moves, several waiters and waitresses are ready to quit their job to follow him to another restaurant for the only reason that they admire his attitude. He is a natural motivator. When an employee spins a bad cotton, Jerry is always there to show to him the good side of the things.

Curious, I went to see Jerry one day to ask him: "I do not understand. It is not possible to be always positive like that, everywhere, all the time. How do you do it?" And Jerry to answer:"Every morning when when I wake, I think that, today, I can either chose to be in a good mood or chose to be in a bad mood. I always decide to be in a good mood.

When deplorable incident occurs I can chose to be a victim or I can choose to learn a lesson from it. When somebody comes to complain with me, I can choose to hear his complaint, or, I can try to show to him the good side of the thing."

"But it is not always so easy", I told him. And Jerry to reply: "Life, it is a question of choice. One chooses his way of reacting to the situations. One chooses how the others can influence him or not. One chooses to be in a good mood or bad mood. One chooses to live his life in the manner which is suitable to them."

Several years later, I heard that Jerry incidentally did what one should never do in restoration: he left unlocked the restaurant’s back door a morning and was surprised by three armed robbers. While trying to open the safe, trembling of nervousness, he did not manage to make the numerical combination. One of the intruder panicked and shot him. Fortunately for Jerry, he was quickly transported to the hospital.

After eighteen hours of surgery and weeks of intensive care, Jerry was released of the hospital with remains of bullets which had not successfully been withdrawed of his body.

I say Jerry again, six months after the incident and I asked him how he reacted to it all. "If I were better than that, he said, we would be two: my twin and me. You want to see the scars?"

I did not want to see the wound, but I asked him what had gone through his mind at the time of the robbery. And Jerry said: "The first thing that crossed my mind was that I should have closed the back door of the restaurant with a key. And then, lying on the floor after being shot, I remembered that I could still make a choice either to live or to die. And I chose to live."

"Weren't you afraid?" I asked.

And he answered : "The ambulance men were quite correct. They did not cease saying to me that all was well. But while entering the operating room at the hospital, I saw the expression of the doctors and nurses and, then, I was afraid. I saw in their eyes that I was a dead man and I knew I had to act quickly."

"And then, what did you do?" "Well, my friend, there was a large nurse who bombarded me questions; she wanted to know if I were allergic to something. I said yes, and the doctors and the nurses stopped to hear what I was going to say. I took a deep breath and I said to them that I was allergic to gun’s bullets! When they stopped laughing, I said to them that I had made the choice to live and that they would make better operate me as if I were a living man rather than a dead one!"

Jerry survived thanks to the expertise of the doctors but also thanks to his astonishing attitude! I learned from him that, everyday, we must make choices: to benefit fully from the life or to be bored from it as long as we like. The only thing which belongs to us and which nobody can control, nor take away, are our attitudes. Then, when one can cultivate positive attitudes, all that remains is the small stuff.

Now, it is up to us to choose!

What is or once was...Letting go...

Our past is what our future is shaped of. one can not pretend to just let go of the past and start a new life. The events, the choices made, the people who affected you one way or another, were all part of a masterplan that made you who you are today.

That's what I believe. Sometimes, I tell myself I'd go back and stop some things from happening. But then, I'd be spending so much time looking back and fixing what went wrong, I wouldn't live much...No, I'd rather live my life with no regrets like I always say. Why? Think about the energy you're wasting?! Obviously you can't go back so I say, let it go.

What do I mean by letting go....This tendency we have to hold on to people or things that are part of our past. What I like to do is evaluate. So, that teddy bear I've had since I was little, is it stopping me from evolving? Live the life I want? Nope, so I guess if I desperatly want to hold on to it it's ok. My ex I badly wanted to be friends with but who kept playing mind games, who always seemed to show up when I'd be moving on...obstacle so goodbye. pretty simple. And, no regrets! Looking on the bright side: If I was better off without that jerk as a boyfriend, I'm probably better off without him as a friend as well.

It's never easy to let go, break the ties but sometimes it has to be done. sometime life takes care of it for us...in a way, 'cause does it? Really? If you move out of your present location, let's say very far, like a different country and lose contact with your friends, you could say life took care of that. But there was a reason you moved out...you made a choice.

On choices, we ALWAYS have a choice. I mean ALWAYS, I'd never believe anything else. Saying we did not have a choice is an excuse. Say a homeless woman steals some bread to feed her son. She gets caught...she can't say she didn't have a choice. I'm not talking about shelters or anything like that let's pretend they don't exist. Her basic and pretty much only choice would've been to let her son die from hunger OR steal food. She chose the latter which pretty much anyone would say was the right CHOICE!!! Because she HAD a choice. A decision to make. And every decision, every action (even choosing not to do anything is an action) has a consequence, a reaction.

Anyhow, make your choices in life, live it fully and don't let anything stop you. What is, sometimes, isn't as important as what once was, but they should both be considered through out your life. And when you have to...don't be afraid to let go!

;)

Enough...

I like men with power...Is it why it didn't work out with my ex? He was far from the kinda guy I usually go for and yet I'd do everything for him? I don't know. Do people still call female the weaker sex? I sure hope not. Maybe I'm a little weak...well I am but to what extend?

One of my favorite movies (yep, you'll get that a lot) is Enough starring Jennifer Lopez. A woman is being violated by her husband and eventually she fights back. You would've never guessed...He was so nice and loving in the beginning. But what I like is how she stands up for herself and decides early that SHE WILL NOT TAKE IT!!! WOW, I like men with power...her husband (before he turns into a monster) is the kind of guy I'm drawn to. Successful, powerful, gets what he wants, he's not afraid to make decisions.

Only he decides that he wants her and therefor, she is his and will be until he doesn't want her anymore. He tells her right after hitting her: "Today is the price you pay for having such a wonderful life..." Freak!!! I think a lot of women who watched that movie saw the kinda man they would want before this happened. So what was it? What is it? If you want a man with power, you're bond to get stepped on? Betten up? Don't think so. But I do want to change something...How much power the guy has over me...see this is the sensible part. Power is one thing...but over what? Over who?

Hmmm...if I get involved with a guy with power(I've done it before) I just do whatever he says. I like it in a way. The other me is independant so doesn't like to be told what to do. Pretty complicated, lol, I know I'm the one who's twisted it so much. But I'm wondering, thinking...And you know what? It tells me only a woman equally strong can handle a man of power. Only a woman that knows when it's time to put her foot down. Knows what she wants and doesn't want and isn't scared to go for it. And when it's not the way it should be, she's not scared to say ENOUGH!!! And walk away if it's the only way.

So my message basically is something I've read before: "It is better to have no relationship at all than being in a bad one!"

That's who I wanna be. That strong woman who stands up for herself. And maybe someday, someday, she'll stand for others as well.

An apple a day keeps the doctor away...

Ok, so I'm pretty happy, my friend, Kat, stopped smoking on her birthday and she seems to be doing great!!! Even better, she replaced cigarettes with...apples???! I hope this is gonna help for the lungs damage :S, I don't like it when people smoke. It's dangerous for the health. Not only theirs!

So there's a lot of publicity in Canada, one is from the governement of Ontario promoting the web site: http://www.stupid.ca

I LOVE the publicities. Like the one of the guy in in bath tub preparing toast and stating that if you think what he's doing is stupid, you should know that he has 1 chance out of 36 000 in a lifetime to die preparing toast while taking a bath. BUT, when you smoke, you have 1 chance out of 2 in a lifetime to die from it. It's to prevent teens from starting to smoke. But I hope it will also help smokers to quit. Check out the website! ;)

Like they say, smokers aren't stupid! We know it's an addictive product, it's hard to quit. There are sooo many reason why smokers should quit and some can really go cold turkey, which is good but others can't. So give up the crap some smokers use to feel they're in control which is: "I can quit anytime."

Then please, do so. It's bad for your health, bad for other people's health and bad for the environment. Oh, and it smells! Lol, also, Kat, knows what she's doing, apparently an apple a day really does keep the doctor away--and the cancer--according to new researches. :)

So since your chances of getting a lung cancer are high as hell once you've been a smoker, quit now and replace each cigarette you'd like to smoke with and apple.

'Cause an apple a day keeps the doctor away...

Who would've thought it was true? ;)

"Remember one man..."

Before Black History Month ends, I gotta write a little something...That line: "Remember one man...", is from an ad I saw on BET yesterday. One man...and that man would be Martin Luther King Jr. I AM black and proud to be, but honestly I'm not sure what exactly he did so I started my reasearch.

And you know what?! Why ONE man? That's what I was interested in before I started writing, but it all changed...

Sad to say but trying to do some research online I came across a website trying to diminish everything he has done but revealing the so-called "truth" about him. Not being a total ignorant I read parts of whatever they were saying but I was kind shocked... I'm not saying they were relating the truth I didn't read it all but one way or another some facts don't change.

December 1st, 1955, Rosa Parks, an african-american woman, refused to stand to let a white person take her sit after the driver asked. She was arrested. A major boycott of buses was then organised which lasted for more than a year. They wanted black people to take the bus and sit wherever they damn well please. They won, and black people cause advanced greatly since that day. Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. fought for African-american rights and while I am Canadian, I am black and I know his name. But reading that White Pride World Wide forum, man it was even more shocking. But of course some people get it:

Posted by mechatron :
"All this goes beyond my imagination. I did know there were stupid people on earth, but this is too much. How can a being provided with intellectual faculties think and write such things? Martin Luther King is one of the most important persons of the 20th century. I did look at the sources of the content of martinlutherking.org, but who cares? I just look at the facts: no martin luther king = no freedom for black people. I suppose that for you xenophobic people freedom for african-americans is a problem, but for the rest of the world it's a great archievement. I think I'll stop here because i really can't see things from your point of view, it's impossible to me. Xenophoby and racism are so absurd. Im ashamed of being a man living in a world where racism still exists.
A convinced anti-racist from Switzerland"

HE gets it...Why can't those other idiots?

Ok, I'm not going to get into it, he goes overboard maybe? I wouldn't say it's racism but one thing's for sure, he was definitly right when he wrote: "Martin Luther King is one of the most important persons of the 20th century [...] I just look at the facts: no martin luther king = no freedom for black people."

So stop the madness, send a message of peace and love and...

Remember one man...

A man who once delivered a great speech called:

"I Have A Dream"

Did his dream come true? I think it did, please don't diminish his accomplishments.

Everything You Want...

That's the title of a song I like very much. It's by Vertical Horizon. I relate to it...see, I have a problem, I doubt I'm the only one. I don't go for the right guy...Here's the chorus of the song.

"He's everything you want
He's everything you need
He's everything inside of you
That you wish you could be
He says all the right things
At exactly the right time
But he means nothing to you
And you don't know why"

In the video you can read in the end: "Everything you want isn't everything you need" Or something in that line of idea...

Yep, there's always that someone you wish you'd love but you don't...Or maybe you've been the perfect person for someone who couldn't see?...

So what happens next when this is where you're at? You take a chance? Hope it'll work out? It gets me wondering if I truly know what I want, what I need...I will state it clearly and I think everyone should do this and not settle down for anything less!!! ;)


So here's everything I want:

Someone who can love me unconditionally
Someone who'll respect me and the choices I make
Someone who'll love me for who I am, not who I could be
Someone who knows what they want and where they're going
Someone who'll believe in me and encourage me to be all I can be
Someone who'll give without expecting to receive anything in return
Someone who'll give it all they have, put in all the efforts necessary
Someone who understands that to make a relationship work or fail, it takes two

Isn't this the minimum requirement to make a relationship work? One of my favorites songs is Alicia Keys' "When you really love someone"

"I'm a woman, lord knows it's hard
I need a real man to give me what I need
Sweet attention, love and tenderness
When it's real it's unconditional,
I'm telling y'all

Chorus:
Cause a man, just ain't a man,
if he ain't man enough
to love you when you're right,
love you when you're wrong
love you when you're weak,
love you when you're strong
take you higher
when the world got you feelin low.
He's given you his last, cuz he's thinking of you first
Given comfort when you're thinking that you're hurt
That's what's done when you really love someone"

You meet someone who should be perfect for you, but nothing...why? Because love is a crazy thing. Just for starters, it's a universal feeling...We may spend our entire life searching for something that's right there...? Maybe not, maybe yes...hmmm...I say: "trust your guts"...Love is out there! And if it's right there; you'll see it sooner or later. I like to say: "it's too bad, not too late!" ;)

I don't like thinking it's too late and if you have to, it's not the person for you. I believe in fate and destiny so if someone was meant for you, when you'll find each other, your hearts will be free! :)

TO MY FUTURE LOVE...

Hoping this time I may be right
Hoping this time it will be strong
Hoping this time it's unconditional

I've searched for you
I've never lost hope
I've been waiting for you

Now you are
Here with me
A dream becomes reality
May it, be forever and always

Caroline C.D.

Hopefully I will find everything I want soon enough (I'm not in a rush) and to all those other people wishing to find their true love...

Good luck! ;)

"R-E-S-P-E-C-T find out what it means to me"

Ok, what is respect?

According to the dictionary

respect
1. A feeling of appreciative, often deferential regard; esteem.
2. The state of being regarded with honor or esteem.
3. Willingness to show consideration or appreciation.

To me it is the right of EVERY individual
You CAN lack respect to someone who doesn't understand this simple fact and therefore, lacks you respect.

True that I believe if you don't respect yourself, chances are people won't respect you. There are bloodsuckers out there who take advantage of people, play with others minds...You have to respect yourself, whoever you are. And it's a simple start: LOVE YOURSELF, THE WAY YOU ARE!!! BECAUSE YOU ARE GREAT AND UNIQUE!!!


Women are being objectified EVERYDAY, take a stand! And by that I do not mean to not dress sexy or anything, I mean, if you do, respect yourself. Don't give to just anyone the honor to dance with you in a club, talk to you on the streets, touch you. Guys have to learn to respect you and how will they if you don't respect yourself? Don't try to be sexy, provocative or anything you're not only to get attention. 'Cause you will get attention but no respect. What's that worth?

If you're naturally sexy, provocative or whatever, that's great, be yourself BUT don't let anyone lack you respect. And if you're not sure what that is go back to the definition. A guy who a walk up to you with only one idea in mind has got to know it won't be easy! From Deliver Us from Eva, a quote: "If you want to go out with me, realise it means being a gentleman. Understand that it means respecting my mind, my body and spirit." And this is from a random guy's profile online: "I respect the chicks who treat themselves like they are worth something, and don't just go throwing everything away."

Yeah, Christina Aguilera's with Lil' Kim song was pretty cool ("Can't Hold Us Down") But let's get back into the real world shall we??!! SOCIETY IS NOT GOING TO CHANGE!!! NOT THAT WAY!!! It's ridiculous really, you listen to that song and think it's empowering to women...I did! And you know what???!!! It's not!!! It's diminishing! "Genie In a Bottle" had a WAY more empowering message!! Lol, sad to say...

Let me show you what I mean, the song is partly positive but MAN, the video AND those parts of the song:

"If you look back in history
It's a common double standard of society
The guy gets all the glory the more he can score
While the girl can do the same and yet you call her a whore"

"This is for my girls all around the world
Who've come across a man who don't respect your worth" (Now THAT'S positive but after what she said right b4 it's plain funny! Men whores exist as well!)

And there's Lil' Kim now:

"Check it - Here's something I just can't understand
If the guy have three girls then he's the man
He can either give us some head, sex her off
If the girl do the same, then she's a whore
But the table's about to turn
I'll bet my fame on it
Cats take my ideas and put their name on it
It's aiight though, you can't hold me down
I got to keep on movin'
To all my girls with a man who be tryin to mack
Do it right back to him and let that be that
You need to let him know that his game is whack
And Lil' Kim and Christina Aguilera got your back"

THREE GIRLS so what?? Girls should do the same and have three guys???!!! Oh, and I've played that song, not proud to say it but I felt she was so right. But she's wrong!!! So don't fall into the trap!


MEN

Ok, I won't say all men are pigs, I know better. But if you do meet a woman with no self-respect, maybe it would be nice to offer a helping hand instead of judging or taking advantage of the situation. And all the players, pimps etc... Let's grow from that stupid trend of gangstas pimps and hoes!!! Come on, what's with everyone? You like seeing yourself like this? Like a big idiot who thinks women are disposable toys? How would you feel being treated like that?

Anyone who acts like this is an obstacle to evolution. Is that what you wanna be? This blog was mostly for women 'cause I believe the first step has to be made by us. But if all men would look at what I said before about helping a girl that doesn't respect herself (and in a classy manner please.) I know not all guys like those girls but some tell them to have some respect for themselves in a rude way and not showing respect at all!

I know there are some good men out there and not all women would give it up for just anything so GET OVER IT!!! Help instead of being part of the problem. If we're going to change something it takes one person to offer a helping hand to another. We can do this. And let's turn around the words pimp and bitch! Anyways did that word ever have a true meaning? A girl is too easy she's a bitch, she blows you off, she's a bitch! My girl and I are rewriting a song to send a more positive message and I agree with this part of Christina's song:

"Call me a bitch cos I speak what's on my mind
Guess it's easier for you to swallow if I sat and smiled"

THIS is what we need so until Fashionably Late makes it (my group) well, let's keep seeing bitch for this! ;)

I also wanna add that a great song(and singer!) ;) Would be "A Woman's Worth" by Alicia Keys...

Cuz a real man knows a real woman when he sees her
And a real woman knows a real man ain't afraid to please her
And a real woman knows a real man always comes first
And a real man just can't deny a woman's worth

So please know and recognize your worth ladies, then the world won't deny it! ;)

RESPECT YOURSELVES AND THE WORLD WILL RESPECT YOU!!!

New and improved...

Ok, I needed another blog, this won't be a journal, mostly thoughts...Why new and improved? 'Cause anyone who thinks can realise that crap doesn't make much sense! You've probably heard it before, if it's new how can it be improved and how can it be new if it's been improved?

Lol, ok, I wanna start with friendship thoughts since it's Kat's birthday, I think it's a good cue...

A friend is more than a lover...
A friend, is someone you treasure, respect and love
You'll never say, one lost, 10 found when it comes to a good friend

To all my friends...

You've brought me so much over the years and I'm happy to have found each and every one of you. I'm getting older but I can still think about every friend present or past and remember what they brought me. The good and bad memories...I love you guys! And I wouldn't call just anyone a friend, no worries here, I know how the difference between a friend and an acquaintance and would never insult any of you by calling someone unworthy a friend 'cause that would partly take away your greatness.

To all my friends...

You've been with me through thick and thin, earned your title even if I sometimes forgot about some of you or left you in the dark. Thanks for being there and I wish I could brind you only half of what you bring me. You guys are amazing and anyone who knows you is probably aware of that and if they're not, it's their lost. Keep on standing tall and be yourselves, GREAT!!! ;)

Hoping there's many more laughts, fun, dance, even tears. Lean on my shoulder whenever you need.

THANKS A BUNCH!!! :)