Declaration of independance...

From now on, I will be my own person
I will not let anyone tell me how I should run my life
I will not make my decisions based on other people's advice but what I think is right for me...

I have realised something...Only I know what's good for me. I am my own person and everyone has a different personnality. So, really, whenever I'm asking for advice, I usually take the one of the person I look up to the most, the wise ones (Kat and Rose when she feels like it)...or I do whatever I want. and hey, they've helped me a great deal.

But at some point I wouldn't listen anymore, I was just so much into thinking I was right, when, really, I wasn't thinking at all. Mostly has to do with love...I've been foolish I have to say...I've been lost. Anyhow, I've decided to say what I mean and mean what I say. So I wear my heart on my sleeve...like I used to. I may be bound to get hurt doing this, but man, it feels soooo good. I think that's the only way to be truly happy.

I won't overthink anymore, I'll do what my heart tells me is right. I will enjoy the little moments in life, I will no longer feel guilty over what I can not control. If I make a mistake, I'll do my best to fix it and if I can't, well, I'll try to learn from it and move on. I've always said no regrets, but that should include guilt and everything else. Even better, I'll talk less about my life. To keep a little mystery and keep away unwanted advices.

This is life, this is me, Caroline. As real as can ever be. I won't ever try being someone that I'm not 'cause in the end, it doesn't suit me. If you hate me, it's alright, I think I got plenty of friends who love me, just the way I am. That's how it's suppose to be. So live fully, enjoy and be your own person. ;)

Love Is Such A Crazy Thing

That's the title of a song by P!nk....I think it would be right to say that I'm totally lost and confused. I'm pretty sure I want to be alone. But how do you open up your mouth to say that to someone you love when you know it could hurt them?

I don't want to wait after love. I just wanna live and I know it should (and will) find me. It has in the past why not now? Love hurts...I know, but to what extend? Maybe I have unrealistic expectations for the one who'd share my life. Or maybe those who want to share my life have unrealistic expectations...

Hell, I hate this...Real love is selfless I believe, yet I find myself wanting to be selfish...maybe I don't believe anymore or don't feel the reciprocity. I don't think I do. I doubt I'm the saddest person on this earth or the only unlucky one in love. It just seems to me that whenever, I chose I'll always be wrong, I can never be right.

Blind dates maybe...I'd have my friends hunt for me, find me a perfect guy and take it from there. But I'm picky, lol, that idea wouldn't last long and after a friend tried to play matchmaker, I've realised she wasn't good at it and you can just have nothing in common (well when you don't talk it's hard to tell, lol) with someone! It wasn't a date, just a night out that turned out to be a total nightmare! Lol, I'm still trying to erase the memory. I might tell this story and other humiliating ones some other time.

I gotta come to the conclusion that I am not happy. My life is nothing like I expected, I can live with that, but perpetuating agonising situations is plain stupid. I'm taking a leap of faith, hoping life will treat me right after I turn around and decide to move on with my life.After all, from what I know, I told myself that if I dind't find what I was looking for, if I couldn't be happy, I'd chose me.

I had a list of things I wouldn't accept, but then again...love makes you blind. Man, I should refer to my "Everything You Want" blog whenever, I wanna get close to someone. One can only make a mistake a couple of times before moving on...Well, I sure hope! Lol

Enough blogs for today, you all take care and don't follow my example ;)

Some Things You Gotta Deal with...

So here it is...my dad's got a tumor and my grandpa...well he's kind of a time bomb. And nobody sees that I'm not dealing well with this. My life is going crazy, I don't know what I want, I don't know what to do... Well, I'm lying a bit, I'm not happy and I know why. It has nothing to do with my dad or grandpa but the choices I've made... The consequences of the choices I've made, the ones I have yet to take, and the ones I'm not acting on.

I'm a bad family member...I've been neglecting my family, my friends and my entire life for someone "I love"...Yeah, maybe I doubt that now, I've got my reasons. It's not too late I should be doing something about it but I have another problem....I'm not good at talking. Small talk is fine, but when feelings are involved...man, I suck. I don't know what to say to my dad. And my grandpa, I love him, but it's hard going to the hospital all the time, see him lying there saying he wants it to be over...

I don't want it to be over. I barely ever visit him but I love him. I know he must go, maybe soon but it's hard to accept and I stay away a bit. It hurt so much when my grandma died...I don't wanna go through this again though I must.

So is this a time to look back and see how bad of a grand daughter and daughter I have been? I don't need to be told. I already know. A friend? Well I've been trying lately and I guess I'm not so bad since I haven't been told to get lost.

I'm not sure what to do, well I know what to do but I'm not sure how. And I guess I wanna talk to someone...But I'm guessing it's late and no one cares...why would they anyways? I haven't been an example...

I have a song called "Hapiness In A Bottle" that kinda relates to the way I live my life by pretending some things don't exist. Like my dad's tumor or my grandpa numerous heart attacks...Doesn't mean that I think they'll be okay, just that I'd rather stick my head in the sand and tell myself comes what may before running away from whatever comes.

Wish I could tell the future...Maybe it would help me move forward and stick my head out of the sand. but this is life and I can't so I'll just learn to deal with it. With everything coming my way.

In Less Than One Year...

This is a very old text (from about 7 years ago), very emotion charged to me. My sister told me once that God manifests himself sometimes by sending a particular person our awy when we need it the most...I don't know if it's God I have to thank, but he is the story...

P.S.: I'm adding some explainations as I go...the text is old and some parts could be explained better.

In Less Than One Year

In less than one year, I started to believe in myself. In less than one year, I started to believe in my dreams. In less than one year, I changed my way of seeing life. In less than one year, I found the real me. In less than one year, I regained hope. I can say it took less than one year for my life to really begin.

We all have periods in our lives when we feel down. When it seems like nothing goes the way we planned. It's normal, we're human beings. We're not perfect. Sometimes, it's worse, you don't want to go any further, you've got more than just the blues. You're totally depressed. I was in Secondary 2 (second year of high school) when it happened to one of my friends. It took time to realize that I was depressed too. But when I realized it, I didn't want to ask for help because I would always do everything myself and I didn't want to look stupid with my little problems. I stopped hanging out with my usual friends, I would spend more time with that girl. It seemed like only we could understand each other. Maybe this is why it was dangerous. We both had problems, problems we felt couldn't be solved. I guess sharing our problems only made us feel worse. We started thinking about suicide. I remember how we would talk about it, in a way people wouldn't hink we had it in mind. Well, not completely, in some way, it was a cry for help, we wanted them to notice, to realize what was happening.

I used to wonder if she had more luck than I did but I realized she didn't. She went to see a psychologist and he said she had to go on a trip, she had to get away for a period of time to forget her problems (what she considered to be, it was more like getting away from the source.) She did. The time she was gone, at the beginning, I felt lonely. It was as if nobody cared as much as she did. I stopped believing in everything. It's around that time, that a teacher, I hadn't really paid attention to, saved, in some way, my life. As I said, my friend and I were thinking about suicide. I might sound selfish but now, I think the fact that she went away was the best thing to ever have happened to me, well, next to this teacher maybe.

When someone is absent, you can't speak to that person, so I couldn't speak to her, so I started to listen in class. That teacher was wonderful. He would treat us as equal, not like other people who feel they have to show they are superior or something. I learned a lot tjat year, he was more than only a French teacher and when I'm saying I learned a lot, I mean, I learned more than French. He would tell us to believe in ourselves, to beliweve in our dreams and not let anyone tear them away. He would always encourage us to do what we wanted to do an to be proud of ourselves. He told us that whatever our dream was, if we really believed in it we would succeed.

My friend wasn't as lucky as me, her trip made things worse for her, in some way because she fell in love and she had to come back. She found out she was pregnant and that less than a week after she got back home, he was already with another girl. She didn't keep the baby and I promised myself never to judge her. Instead I tried to understand what she was going through and to help her. I knew her reason and I respected her choice. It was hard because I have always been against abortion and I know she used to be. Still, she couldn't raise a baby in her state of mind.

When she came back, We both had changed, changed, but in very different ways. I wanted to make her understand that even if life wasn't wonderful, we could make ours better. I don't know, I guess she didn't understand or she didn't want to understand what I was trying to tell her because it seemed to me she wasn't getting any better. She moved, she said she'd keep in touch but she didn't really keep in touch. She would send a letter to someone we both knew and she would just say she was ok.

Today I've been told she's doing fine and that she has overcome her problems. I don't know how she did but I'm happy for her. I know not everyone has as much luck as we did . We didn't commit suicide and I think the only reason I'm here today is because I met a person who helped me. Personally, I can say, that year, I decided who I wanted to be, what kind of person I wanted to be. I decided to fight for what I believe is right, for what I deserve. Not to let anything or anyone bring me down and to always believe in myself. Because like one of my English teachers would say all the time: "If you don't scratch your own back, nobody else is going to do it for you."

I don't really have a conclusion because it's a period of my life and my life hasn't come to an end, yet. But, I think to conclude this text, nothing's more appropriate than my introduction so, like I said before: "In less than one year, I started to believe in myself. In less than one year, I started to believe in my dreams. In less than one year, I changed my way of seeing life. In less than one year, I found the real me. In less than one year, I regained hope. I can say it took less than one year for my life to really begin."

The writing isn't the best but I didn't want to modify it. It's a part of my life and funny part in a way is I was maybe 16 years old when I wrote that text and I still reach out to it every once in a while. To remind myself why I'm still here and why I can't give up. If there is one thing I want to remember after all this time is, and I quote form the text: "even if life wasn't wonderful, we could make ours better."

Keep that in mind. I sure try to, and when I forget, I reach for that text.

Love you all ;)