So here it is...my dad's got a tumor and my grandpa...well he's kind of a time bomb. And nobody sees that I'm not dealing well with this. My life is going crazy, I don't know what I want, I don't know what to do... Well, I'm lying a bit, I'm not happy and I know why. It has nothing to do with my dad or grandpa but the choices I've made... The consequences of the choices I've made, the ones I have yet to take, and the ones I'm not acting on.
I'm a bad family member...I've been neglecting my family, my friends and my entire life for someone "I love"...Yeah, maybe I doubt that now, I've got my reasons. It's not too late I should be doing something about it but I have another problem....I'm not good at talking. Small talk is fine, but when feelings are involved...man, I suck. I don't know what to say to my dad. And my grandpa, I love him, but it's hard going to the hospital all the time, see him lying there saying he wants it to be over...
I don't want it to be over. I barely ever visit him but I love him. I know he must go, maybe soon but it's hard to accept and I stay away a bit. It hurt so much when my grandma died...I don't wanna go through this again though I must.
So is this a time to look back and see how bad of a grand daughter and daughter I have been? I don't need to be told. I already know. A friend? Well I've been trying lately and I guess I'm not so bad since I haven't been told to get lost.
I'm not sure what to do, well I know what to do but I'm not sure how. And I guess I wanna talk to someone...But I'm guessing it's late and no one cares...why would they anyways? I haven't been an example...
I have a song called "Hapiness In A Bottle" that kinda relates to the way I live my life by pretending some things don't exist. Like my dad's tumor or my grandpa numerous heart attacks...Doesn't mean that I think they'll be okay, just that I'd rather stick my head in the sand and tell myself comes what may before running away from whatever comes.
Wish I could tell the future...Maybe it would help me move forward and stick my head out of the sand. but this is life and I can't so I'll just learn to deal with it. With everything coming my way.
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