Wow, I'm doing good! I'm totally not in the X-Mas spirit but what can I do about it? No snow. :( I met an interesting guy, I wouldn't say I'm awfully interested but we never know. Anyways, have I ever been interested? I think guys only step into my life, show interest in me and then I decide whether I should be interested or not. Lol, what am I saying?
I sent a message to Dylan yesterday. To wish him and his family a happy holiday. Why? I wish I knew. Well, I do in a way. I wish we could be friends. I've accepted the fact that we are not meant to be together. I don't want a passionate love. I don't want to be torn apart over and over again. It's just too intense and doesn't make any sense. I don't care if he understands or not. I'm doing good on my own, better than I thought I would. I still love him; of course, but I'm moving on and it feels GREAT!!! I'm looking forward to a great year. Ok, I've said it before but 2006 wasn't actually all that bad. Went by fast, that much I can say but 2007 is definitly welcome!
Merry x-mas and happy new year everyone! :)
Sunday, December 24, 2006
Thursday, November 02, 2006
Drunk head...
He doesn't care and I'm kinda drunk. A wine bottle will do that to you. Well, half a bottle, I drank with my friend while watching a movie. I want what I can't have and yet, I don't understand why I can't have it. A guy who loves me and cares about me, who can't get enough of me. I'm not an awful person, how did I get there? It's sooooo obvious Dylan doesn't care. After I wrote to him to explain what happened after we met, he really seemed to be interested in making an effort to make me progress.
Then he had this depressive episode and I was there for him. We spoke, he was blaming me for the virtual relationship and how I'd never call. Yet I called after that because I didn't hear from him and was getting worried, no call back. Then I see him online the other day with no excuse and what can barely be considered an apology. Why can't I stay mad? I basically forgave him and that's almost the last I've heard of him. I sent him a e-mail saying I had this awful feeling he didn't care and tell me if I was, so I could move on. He only replied, and this is so rich, I have to share:
"Why that little drama act? ???! I'm online less often now. It's has nothing to do with you.
Smile, life is great, isn't it??
Dylan."
Geez...Dylan, no, life ain't great with you in it. Everytime I want to move on, you're back to haunt me and I always fall for it. I love you and yet I hate you, don't know what to do. That's pretty much what I replied 3 days later. I had to think, I told him, if he couldn't understand me, we couldn't understand each other and nothing much could be done at that point and that if he knew how to reach me if he cared...It's been a few days now...I don't know, maybe it really is time to move on. But am I really over him this time?
I need another drink... :S
Then he had this depressive episode and I was there for him. We spoke, he was blaming me for the virtual relationship and how I'd never call. Yet I called after that because I didn't hear from him and was getting worried, no call back. Then I see him online the other day with no excuse and what can barely be considered an apology. Why can't I stay mad? I basically forgave him and that's almost the last I've heard of him. I sent him a e-mail saying I had this awful feeling he didn't care and tell me if I was, so I could move on. He only replied, and this is so rich, I have to share:
"Why that little drama act? ???! I'm online less often now. It's has nothing to do with you.
Smile, life is great, isn't it??
Dylan."
Geez...Dylan, no, life ain't great with you in it. Everytime I want to move on, you're back to haunt me and I always fall for it. I love you and yet I hate you, don't know what to do. That's pretty much what I replied 3 days later. I had to think, I told him, if he couldn't understand me, we couldn't understand each other and nothing much could be done at that point and that if he knew how to reach me if he cared...It's been a few days now...I don't know, maybe it really is time to move on. But am I really over him this time?
I need another drink... :S
Wednesday, October 18, 2006
411 On What Happened And What Didn't
Ouch...That's all I have to say. Dylan and I haven't seen each other after that disastrous night (unless webcam counts...) We went back to our virtual relationship and I thought I was right to assume we were making progress...I thought! But he's been MIA for a couple of days now, I even tried calling him today, no answer. :( I left a message asking if he was free sunday. I'm officially desperate. I gotta see him, I think about him night and day non stop!
As for Lionel...I am just ashamed! I wish we were platonic friends...Somehow it's been hard to keep our hands off each other. But hey, a girl has some needs. Yet, I feel bad and everytime we manage to get into a platonic relationship, well, I don't know, something like tonight happens. But hell, tonight, I wasn't giving in. It was nice the whole inviting me over and preparing supper then a game but that's it. I put my foot down, no more fun! Well, I don't mean no more fun saying we can only be bored as hell when we see each other, but nothing that isn't PG is allowed to happen between us.
Can you understand now why I have to see Dylan and ASAP?! He seems to think I'm frigid, if it keeps going this way, he's in for a surprise. Hmmm...I wonder what he's like in bed...I have to admit back in the days, I was soooo terrified, he would've been my first but I was too much of a coward so it just never happened. I'm thinking even if this is doomed, I at least have to know how sex with him would've been! Oh well, if he ever comes out of his hole, I'll have a new post ready.
;)
As for Lionel...I am just ashamed! I wish we were platonic friends...Somehow it's been hard to keep our hands off each other. But hey, a girl has some needs. Yet, I feel bad and everytime we manage to get into a platonic relationship, well, I don't know, something like tonight happens. But hell, tonight, I wasn't giving in. It was nice the whole inviting me over and preparing supper then a game but that's it. I put my foot down, no more fun! Well, I don't mean no more fun saying we can only be bored as hell when we see each other, but nothing that isn't PG is allowed to happen between us.
Can you understand now why I have to see Dylan and ASAP?! He seems to think I'm frigid, if it keeps going this way, he's in for a surprise. Hmmm...I wonder what he's like in bed...I have to admit back in the days, I was soooo terrified, he would've been my first but I was too much of a coward so it just never happened. I'm thinking even if this is doomed, I at least have to know how sex with him would've been! Oh well, if he ever comes out of his hole, I'll have a new post ready.
;)
Saturday, August 19, 2006
A Visit To The Twilight Zone...
I went to see my ex, yesterday!!! Well, not Lionel but Dylan, the one I'll never get over! Lol, refer to the archives of September 13, 2005. Back then I tought I could get over him! Lol, but as always, he's back! This time, there's hope, I swear! Ok, it's been mostly a virtual relationship for months (a friendly one.) But I'm not giving up. It would be more interesting if we actually got to see each other sometimes. So far, it seems complicated partly because of where he lives...so let me comment my visit to what I call...The Twilight Zone!
I live in Montreal, and to me this is pretty much where life starts and ends. Suburbs?!? Definitly not my cup of tea. But my ex lives on the South Shore, always has. Now keep in mind, that me, crossing the bridge, tunnel or whatever I have to cross to get there is an event!!! One night, around midnight, he asked that I come see him. It wasn't the first time but I never thought he was serious whenever he asked so I thought I'd have some fun and see how far it'd get. Turns out he was serious! He said we'd watch a movie and then he'd drive me back home, I was working the next day so this was not suppose to be more than a 2-3 hours visit. Yeah right!
I hop into a cab, 30$ total! And I'm sooo broke, hope he realises how much I want to see him...well then again, I shouldn't complain, back in the days after the late night, that's what he'd spend to go back home to his gf. This time, he's finally left her for good and I wasn't even in the picture or asking (well I told him to get lost until he was single, but that's it!) I'm getting carried away, our story is probably somewhere in my blog, I'm not explaining again! Lol
Anyways, I get to his place finally, even by car the suburbs seem far. So good to see him again but I'm sooooo nervous. He makes me tour a little bit, very nice apartment and I get to meet the cat?!? Hmmm...he has a cat? That surprised me at first and then I had to flash my biggest fake smile when he said it was his ex's. She asked him to keep it but it's still hers, go figure! Man, don't get me wrong, I love cats, we have two at home, but for that moment I wanted to strangle that poor ugly cat just because it was hers. She HAD to find a way to stay in his life.
But then as it went on, it didn't strike me that he was seeing much of her! Ouf! Better now, I'm not a jealous person but man, that girl was the ex girlfriend from hell and I'm a girl that has trouble setting boundaries with a man. Bad mix! So anyhow I let him choose a movie from the one I brought and he choses "Nothing" (that is the title of the movie...) Now maybe it is because we were talking trying to catch up that we didn't get the movie or it was just horrible as I believe(if you've seen it let me know if it's worth another view.)
The whole night was pretty PG and there was no sign that it be otherwise but then he gently touched my face like he used to do...Now normally, I would've melted be like a puppy in his hands and that would've been such a night. Instead, I freaked! Can you believe that?! After waiting for sooo many years, I freak? We kissed a bit but I could tell there was no way in hell I'd let it get any further and I only had one idea in mind...RUN!!!! Lol
Wonder why?...Here's the explanation...
Danny Boy (Dylan's nickname if you didn't guess) and I are old history, it's been over since 2001 and yet, I couldn't move on. Three years later, I meet this guy, Lionel, who's too good to be true (and actually was, lol) and he was my first boyfriend after Dylan. Then I get a trip down to hell, when he breaks up he tells me I'm not being rational and I'm acting as if he were Dylan. That was a red flag, right? And yet, I couldn't see it. Anyways, we eventually managed to stay friends (very good friends if you know what I mean) and I didn't look for another guy.
Lionel, somehow knew all along that I was still in love with Dylan but I'd always deny. When he made a come back, I snapped at him thinking I was better off without him and not understanding what he wanted. I mean, he still was with his girlfriend and he had messed up my life enough as it was. I still had hopes Lionel and I would get back together and I basically told Dylan my heart was taken which was a big fat lie but anyways. Somehow in my crazy mind, I had associated Lionel to Dylan and that may have been the only reason why he was the only guy I had ever wanted to be with after Dylan...
When I saw him again last night, I realised how much he and Lionel were alike...Just that touch...and I freaked! It's a bit natural, I had made up my mind about definitly not wanting to be with Lionel, I accepted the fact that I was still madly in love with Dylan but to accept that to me Lionel was just a close enough clone?! Ishh...that was scary as hell. And that was pretty much the end of it. He got me back home and I just didn't know what to say, he couldn't understand why I'd barely want to kiss him and I had no explanation at the moment...
But I did explain tonight...by e-mail because I'm a coward for now. Now I have to speak to Lionel, maybe it'd be a good idea if we weren't even platonic friends...
I live in Montreal, and to me this is pretty much where life starts and ends. Suburbs?!? Definitly not my cup of tea. But my ex lives on the South Shore, always has. Now keep in mind, that me, crossing the bridge, tunnel or whatever I have to cross to get there is an event!!! One night, around midnight, he asked that I come see him. It wasn't the first time but I never thought he was serious whenever he asked so I thought I'd have some fun and see how far it'd get. Turns out he was serious! He said we'd watch a movie and then he'd drive me back home, I was working the next day so this was not suppose to be more than a 2-3 hours visit. Yeah right!
I hop into a cab, 30$ total! And I'm sooo broke, hope he realises how much I want to see him...well then again, I shouldn't complain, back in the days after the late night, that's what he'd spend to go back home to his gf. This time, he's finally left her for good and I wasn't even in the picture or asking (well I told him to get lost until he was single, but that's it!) I'm getting carried away, our story is probably somewhere in my blog, I'm not explaining again! Lol
Anyways, I get to his place finally, even by car the suburbs seem far. So good to see him again but I'm sooooo nervous. He makes me tour a little bit, very nice apartment and I get to meet the cat?!? Hmmm...he has a cat? That surprised me at first and then I had to flash my biggest fake smile when he said it was his ex's. She asked him to keep it but it's still hers, go figure! Man, don't get me wrong, I love cats, we have two at home, but for that moment I wanted to strangle that poor ugly cat just because it was hers. She HAD to find a way to stay in his life.
But then as it went on, it didn't strike me that he was seeing much of her! Ouf! Better now, I'm not a jealous person but man, that girl was the ex girlfriend from hell and I'm a girl that has trouble setting boundaries with a man. Bad mix! So anyhow I let him choose a movie from the one I brought and he choses "Nothing" (that is the title of the movie...) Now maybe it is because we were talking trying to catch up that we didn't get the movie or it was just horrible as I believe(if you've seen it let me know if it's worth another view.)
The whole night was pretty PG and there was no sign that it be otherwise but then he gently touched my face like he used to do...Now normally, I would've melted be like a puppy in his hands and that would've been such a night. Instead, I freaked! Can you believe that?! After waiting for sooo many years, I freak? We kissed a bit but I could tell there was no way in hell I'd let it get any further and I only had one idea in mind...RUN!!!! Lol
Wonder why?...Here's the explanation...
Danny Boy (Dylan's nickname if you didn't guess) and I are old history, it's been over since 2001 and yet, I couldn't move on. Three years later, I meet this guy, Lionel, who's too good to be true (and actually was, lol) and he was my first boyfriend after Dylan. Then I get a trip down to hell, when he breaks up he tells me I'm not being rational and I'm acting as if he were Dylan. That was a red flag, right? And yet, I couldn't see it. Anyways, we eventually managed to stay friends (very good friends if you know what I mean) and I didn't look for another guy.
Lionel, somehow knew all along that I was still in love with Dylan but I'd always deny. When he made a come back, I snapped at him thinking I was better off without him and not understanding what he wanted. I mean, he still was with his girlfriend and he had messed up my life enough as it was. I still had hopes Lionel and I would get back together and I basically told Dylan my heart was taken which was a big fat lie but anyways. Somehow in my crazy mind, I had associated Lionel to Dylan and that may have been the only reason why he was the only guy I had ever wanted to be with after Dylan...
When I saw him again last night, I realised how much he and Lionel were alike...Just that touch...and I freaked! It's a bit natural, I had made up my mind about definitly not wanting to be with Lionel, I accepted the fact that I was still madly in love with Dylan but to accept that to me Lionel was just a close enough clone?! Ishh...that was scary as hell. And that was pretty much the end of it. He got me back home and I just didn't know what to say, he couldn't understand why I'd barely want to kiss him and I had no explanation at the moment...
But I did explain tonight...by e-mail because I'm a coward for now. Now I have to speak to Lionel, maybe it'd be a good idea if we weren't even platonic friends...
Monday, August 14, 2006
Soon Going To Be **Gulp** An Aunt!!!
I thought I was passed the initial shock of my sister being pregnant. Yeah, I did say she turned 30 not long ago and yet, it still doesn't strike me how time went by so fast and even she has trouble believing I'll be 25 next year. Anyways, to get back to the subject, my sister is pregnant. She announced it to me the worst possible way: "You're going to be an aunt!!!" I was barely awake and couldn't help but wonder if it wasn't all a bad dream.
AND thank you very much, I was last to know (ok, that I'm almost never at home could explain it but still!) The news made me feel old, and I'm having trouble getting used to her fiancé which didn't help. Now months later, I'm still trying to get used to seeing that big belly on a girl that is still shorter than me and who used to be so slim. (lol) man, who thought a baby could have so much strenght already, he kicked and man, that was something!!! But anyhow, I'm not having baby fever but I am craving for a home. Not with my parents, just me and the one I love and maybe and that's a big MAYBE, someday a mini me. Ok, maybe not a good idea, a mini him. ;)
So my nephew should be around soon, can you believe I thought he hated me because he'd never kick when I was around? I wonder if he felt it, anyhow, he's kicking now. Lol, I'm not going to say I'm impatient for him to come around, I'm akward around babies and get baby fever, go figure! Anyways, well still wanna see what this little guy's gonna look like after all, I will soon be an **gulp** aunt! One rule he'll have to follow though...not to call me auntie until I am at least 35 years old! ;)
AND thank you very much, I was last to know (ok, that I'm almost never at home could explain it but still!) The news made me feel old, and I'm having trouble getting used to her fiancé which didn't help. Now months later, I'm still trying to get used to seeing that big belly on a girl that is still shorter than me and who used to be so slim. (lol) man, who thought a baby could have so much strenght already, he kicked and man, that was something!!! But anyhow, I'm not having baby fever but I am craving for a home. Not with my parents, just me and the one I love and maybe and that's a big MAYBE, someday a mini me. Ok, maybe not a good idea, a mini him. ;)
So my nephew should be around soon, can you believe I thought he hated me because he'd never kick when I was around? I wonder if he felt it, anyhow, he's kicking now. Lol, I'm not going to say I'm impatient for him to come around, I'm akward around babies and get baby fever, go figure! Anyways, well still wanna see what this little guy's gonna look like after all, I will soon be an **gulp** aunt! One rule he'll have to follow though...not to call me auntie until I am at least 35 years old! ;)
Sunday, June 18, 2006
I Guess I'll Never Learn
I guess I'll never learn, but you know what? That's alright...Anyways, I'm back to enjoying my own company, (lol) I went to watch a movie alone the other day and you know what? I promised myself another date with myself pretty soon.
Now what do I mean by not learning? I used to be a loner, eventually, I had "friends", I didn't really know back then what a friend was which is why I wrote "friends", then I finally had friends! :) But every once in a while someone tries to have a place in the pretty intimate circle. Oh, yeah, I'll say they are my friends but they are more like closer acquaintances. To really be a friend you have to prove yourself. That is overtime...
Today, I lost a closer acquaintance...And well...while the title here is "I guess I'll never learn", I have learned in the past which is probably why I take it so well. But yet, I will never learn because only a fool could have believed it wouldn't end like that. But I guess I'm a fool, and you wanna know something? I'm loving it! I like being a crazy fool because it makes me grow and learn from those people see how I do not wish to be.
So today, all my closer aquaintances and my friends, I thank you because you make me grow! ;)
Now what do I mean by not learning? I used to be a loner, eventually, I had "friends", I didn't really know back then what a friend was which is why I wrote "friends", then I finally had friends! :) But every once in a while someone tries to have a place in the pretty intimate circle. Oh, yeah, I'll say they are my friends but they are more like closer acquaintances. To really be a friend you have to prove yourself. That is overtime...
Today, I lost a closer acquaintance...And well...while the title here is "I guess I'll never learn", I have learned in the past which is probably why I take it so well. But yet, I will never learn because only a fool could have believed it wouldn't end like that. But I guess I'm a fool, and you wanna know something? I'm loving it! I like being a crazy fool because it makes me grow and learn from those people see how I do not wish to be.
So today, all my closer aquaintances and my friends, I thank you because you make me grow! ;)
Monday, February 20, 2006
Old?? Nah!!!! Older? I guess...
So, my sister turned 30 last month. A little shock, probably because for a 30 year old she looks damn good (like 25 max.) and so do all her friends. Maybe a little shock also because I did not see her freak out over the big 3-0! Funny how we make big deals out of nothing. She just started freaking out. What happened to that whole: "Age is just a number" line? My birthday and my friend's are coming soon (we'll both be 24.) So since it's a few days away and she seemed excited, I decided, I'd see if she's freak out if I started to show her how fast time flies. So I told her next year, we'd have a quarter of a century, then 5 year later, the big 3-0...before I even got a chance to keep going she was already asking me to stop and freaking out!
I think time is a reminder of our failure. Not failure in the proper sense but failure to achive our dreams, our goals. Sure over time we change them and maybe settle for less but there will always be that one dream that will never die...No? Look deep inside, I'm sure you have one. I say, it's never too late and who cares? I have chosen to live my life how it comes and go with the flow. I don't think I'll realise that dream of mine but whatever, it's ok. I'd much rather be happy and live a life free of stress instead of freaking out over what I have not yet accomplished.
So what if life is short? 30 is the end for some of us but for others it's 10, 11, 20 or God forbids 0...We made it that far...I always thought I'd die young, I'm not sure how young and at what age I'll be considering myself old, but I guess it'd be a blessing. A good excuse for everything I had yet to accomplished but procrastinated instead! ;)
I think time is a reminder of our failure. Not failure in the proper sense but failure to achive our dreams, our goals. Sure over time we change them and maybe settle for less but there will always be that one dream that will never die...No? Look deep inside, I'm sure you have one. I say, it's never too late and who cares? I have chosen to live my life how it comes and go with the flow. I don't think I'll realise that dream of mine but whatever, it's ok. I'd much rather be happy and live a life free of stress instead of freaking out over what I have not yet accomplished.
So what if life is short? 30 is the end for some of us but for others it's 10, 11, 20 or God forbids 0...We made it that far...I always thought I'd die young, I'm not sure how young and at what age I'll be considering myself old, but I guess it'd be a blessing. A good excuse for everything I had yet to accomplished but procrastinated instead! ;)
Monday, January 09, 2006
This My S***... No, No, I Meant: This My Year
Wow!!! I am starting 2006 with a blast! Lol, for whatever reason, I had a hunch that this would be my year... Even better, my horoscope agrees! Lol, I am a pisces and I was checking my 2006 horoscope on some website and it as saying that this would definitly be my year. And chinese horoscope, I am a dog which makes 2006 the year of the dog.
Everything is on my side, especially my state of mind. I have not taken any resolutions, I'm allergic to that but I have changed my whole way of seeing life. I think we have the power to make a change in our life and that we are far less influenced by others and circumstances than we think. It's just an excuse no to accept our responsability (check out March 13, 2005 in the archives). I do belive in this and I am definitly living by it. It makes a difference. Even if I fail, I'll know where to put the blame. Most of it would be on me, I'm gaining back control.
I believe if I do not live this way, I'll be a bystander in my own life! So this is it, this my year!!! :) I'll enjoy every second of this year and my succes. Even failure if there has to be, I wouldn't enjoy but I won't dwell on it. Anyhow, those who are with me and want to take control, choose 2006!!! Why? Lol, dunno, just thought 2006 was inspiring and don't know about you, but it was about time for me! (I've said it before and I started but ain't no stopping me now!) :)
Take care and Happy New Year!
Everything is on my side, especially my state of mind. I have not taken any resolutions, I'm allergic to that but I have changed my whole way of seeing life. I think we have the power to make a change in our life and that we are far less influenced by others and circumstances than we think. It's just an excuse no to accept our responsability (check out March 13, 2005 in the archives). I do belive in this and I am definitly living by it. It makes a difference. Even if I fail, I'll know where to put the blame. Most of it would be on me, I'm gaining back control.
I believe if I do not live this way, I'll be a bystander in my own life! So this is it, this my year!!! :) I'll enjoy every second of this year and my succes. Even failure if there has to be, I wouldn't enjoy but I won't dwell on it. Anyhow, those who are with me and want to take control, choose 2006!!! Why? Lol, dunno, just thought 2006 was inspiring and don't know about you, but it was about time for me! (I've said it before and I started but ain't no stopping me now!) :)
Take care and Happy New Year!
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