A Visit To The Twilight Zone...

I went to see my ex, yesterday!!! Well, not Lionel but Dylan, the one I'll never get over! Lol, refer to the archives of September 13, 2005. Back then I tought I could get over him! Lol, but as always, he's back! This time, there's hope, I swear! Ok, it's been mostly a virtual relationship for months (a friendly one.) But I'm not giving up. It would be more interesting if we actually got to see each other sometimes. So far, it seems complicated partly because of where he lives...so let me comment my visit to what I call...The Twilight Zone!

I live in Montreal, and to me this is pretty much where life starts and ends. Suburbs?!? Definitly not my cup of tea. But my ex lives on the South Shore, always has. Now keep in mind, that me, crossing the bridge, tunnel or whatever I have to cross to get there is an event!!! One night, around midnight, he asked that I come see him. It wasn't the first time but I never thought he was serious whenever he asked so I thought I'd have some fun and see how far it'd get. Turns out he was serious! He said we'd watch a movie and then he'd drive me back home, I was working the next day so this was not suppose to be more than a 2-3 hours visit. Yeah right!

I hop into a cab, 30$ total! And I'm sooo broke, hope he realises how much I want to see him...well then again, I shouldn't complain, back in the days after the late night, that's what he'd spend to go back home to his gf. This time, he's finally left her for good and I wasn't even in the picture or asking (well I told him to get lost until he was single, but that's it!) I'm getting carried away, our story is probably somewhere in my blog, I'm not explaining again! Lol

Anyways, I get to his place finally, even by car the suburbs seem far. So good to see him again but I'm sooooo nervous. He makes me tour a little bit, very nice apartment and I get to meet the cat?!? Hmmm...he has a cat? That surprised me at first and then I had to flash my biggest fake smile when he said it was his ex's. She asked him to keep it but it's still hers, go figure! Man, don't get me wrong, I love cats, we have two at home, but for that moment I wanted to strangle that poor ugly cat just because it was hers. She HAD to find a way to stay in his life.

But then as it went on, it didn't strike me that he was seeing much of her! Ouf! Better now, I'm not a jealous person but man, that girl was the ex girlfriend from hell and I'm a girl that has trouble setting boundaries with a man. Bad mix! So anyhow I let him choose a movie from the one I brought and he choses "Nothing" (that is the title of the movie...) Now maybe it is because we were talking trying to catch up that we didn't get the movie or it was just horrible as I believe(if you've seen it let me know if it's worth another view.)

The whole night was pretty PG and there was no sign that it be otherwise but then he gently touched my face like he used to do...Now normally, I would've melted be like a puppy in his hands and that would've been such a night. Instead, I freaked! Can you believe that?! After waiting for sooo many years, I freak? We kissed a bit but I could tell there was no way in hell I'd let it get any further and I only had one idea in mind...RUN!!!! Lol

Wonder why?...Here's the explanation...

Danny Boy (Dylan's nickname if you didn't guess) and I are old history, it's been over since 2001 and yet, I couldn't move on. Three years later, I meet this guy, Lionel, who's too good to be true (and actually was, lol) and he was my first boyfriend after Dylan. Then I get a trip down to hell, when he breaks up he tells me I'm not being rational and I'm acting as if he were Dylan. That was a red flag, right? And yet, I couldn't see it. Anyways, we eventually managed to stay friends (very good friends if you know what I mean) and I didn't look for another guy.

Lionel, somehow knew all along that I was still in love with Dylan but I'd always deny. When he made a come back, I snapped at him thinking I was better off without him and not understanding what he wanted. I mean, he still was with his girlfriend and he had messed up my life enough as it was. I still had hopes Lionel and I would get back together and I basically told Dylan my heart was taken which was a big fat lie but anyways. Somehow in my crazy mind, I had associated Lionel to Dylan and that may have been the only reason why he was the only guy I had ever wanted to be with after Dylan...

When I saw him again last night, I realised how much he and Lionel were alike...Just that touch...and I freaked! It's a bit natural, I had made up my mind about definitly not wanting to be with Lionel, I accepted the fact that I was still madly in love with Dylan but to accept that to me Lionel was just a close enough clone?! Ishh...that was scary as hell. And that was pretty much the end of it. He got me back home and I just didn't know what to say, he couldn't understand why I'd barely want to kiss him and I had no explanation at the moment...

But I did explain tonight...by e-mail because I'm a coward for now. Now I have to speak to Lionel, maybe it'd be a good idea if we weren't even platonic friends...

Soon Going To Be **Gulp** An Aunt!!!

I thought I was passed the initial shock of my sister being pregnant. Yeah, I did say she turned 30 not long ago and yet, it still doesn't strike me how time went by so fast and even she has trouble believing I'll be 25 next year. Anyways, to get back to the subject, my sister is pregnant. She announced it to me the worst possible way: "You're going to be an aunt!!!" I was barely awake and couldn't help but wonder if it wasn't all a bad dream.

AND thank you very much, I was last to know (ok, that I'm almost never at home could explain it but still!) The news made me feel old, and I'm having trouble getting used to her fiancé which didn't help. Now months later, I'm still trying to get used to seeing that big belly on a girl that is still shorter than me and who used to be so slim. (lol) man, who thought a baby could have so much strenght already, he kicked and man, that was something!!! But anyhow, I'm not having baby fever but I am craving for a home. Not with my parents, just me and the one I love and maybe and that's a big MAYBE, someday a mini me. Ok, maybe not a good idea, a mini him. ;)

So my nephew should be around soon, can you believe I thought he hated me because he'd never kick when I was around? I wonder if he felt it, anyhow, he's kicking now. Lol, I'm not going to say I'm impatient for him to come around, I'm akward around babies and get baby fever, go figure! Anyways, well still wanna see what this little guy's gonna look like after all, I will soon be an **gulp** aunt! One rule he'll have to follow though...not to call me auntie until I am at least 35 years old! ;)

I Guess I'll Never Learn

I guess I'll never learn, but you know what? That's alright...Anyways, I'm back to enjoying my own company, (lol) I went to watch a movie alone the other day and you know what? I promised myself another date with myself pretty soon.

Now what do I mean by not learning? I used to be a loner, eventually, I had "friends", I didn't really know back then what a friend was which is why I wrote "friends", then I finally had friends! :) But every once in a while someone tries to have a place in the pretty intimate circle. Oh, yeah, I'll say they are my friends but they are more like closer acquaintances. To really be a friend you have to prove yourself. That is overtime...

Today, I lost a closer acquaintance...And well...while the title here is "I guess I'll never learn", I have learned in the past which is probably why I take it so well. But yet, I will never learn because only a fool could have believed it wouldn't end like that. But I guess I'm a fool, and you wanna know something? I'm loving it! I like being a crazy fool because it makes me grow and learn from those people see how I do not wish to be.

So today, all my closer aquaintances and my friends, I thank you because you make me grow! ;)

Old?? Nah!!!! Older? I guess...

So, my sister turned 30 last month. A little shock, probably because for a 30 year old she looks damn good (like 25 max.) and so do all her friends. Maybe a little shock also because I did not see her freak out over the big 3-0! Funny how we make big deals out of nothing. She just started freaking out. What happened to that whole: "Age is just a number" line? My birthday and my friend's are coming soon (we'll both be 24.) So since it's a few days away and she seemed excited, I decided, I'd see if she's freak out if I started to show her how fast time flies. So I told her next year, we'd have a quarter of a century, then 5 year later, the big 3-0...before I even got a chance to keep going she was already asking me to stop and freaking out!

I think time is a reminder of our failure. Not failure in the proper sense but failure to achive our dreams, our goals. Sure over time we change them and maybe settle for less but there will always be that one dream that will never die...No? Look deep inside, I'm sure you have one. I say, it's never too late and who cares? I have chosen to live my life how it comes and go with the flow. I don't think I'll realise that dream of mine but whatever, it's ok. I'd much rather be happy and live a life free of stress instead of freaking out over what I have not yet accomplished.

So what if life is short? 30 is the end for some of us but for others it's 10, 11, 20 or God forbids 0...We made it that far...I always thought I'd die young, I'm not sure how young and at what age I'll be considering myself old, but I guess it'd be a blessing. A good excuse for everything I had yet to accomplished but procrastinated instead! ;)

This My S***... No, No, I Meant: This My Year

Wow!!! I am starting 2006 with a blast! Lol, for whatever reason, I had a hunch that this would be my year... Even better, my horoscope agrees! Lol, I am a pisces and I was checking my 2006 horoscope on some website and it as saying that this would definitly be my year. And chinese horoscope, I am a dog which makes 2006 the year of the dog.

Everything is on my side, especially my state of mind. I have not taken any resolutions, I'm allergic to that but I have changed my whole way of seeing life. I think we have the power to make a change in our life and that we are far less influenced by others and circumstances than we think. It's just an excuse no to accept our responsability (check out March 13, 2005 in the archives). I do belive in this and I am definitly living by it. It makes a difference. Even if I fail, I'll know where to put the blame. Most of it would be on me, I'm gaining back control.

I believe if I do not live this way, I'll be a bystander in my own life! So this is it, this my year!!! :) I'll enjoy every second of this year and my succes. Even failure if there has to be, I wouldn't enjoy but I won't dwell on it. Anyhow, those who are with me and want to take control, choose 2006!!! Why? Lol, dunno, just thought 2006 was inspiring and don't know about you, but it was about time for me! (I've said it before and I started but ain't no stopping me now!) :)

Take care and Happy New Year!

Angel

This is a song I wrote a while ago. Very inspiring at the moment. Hope you enjoy it, this is my only blues piece, one of my favorites.

I'm an angel
With no wings
But the sky
Ain't the limit for me

I'm living on this Earth
And pretend to be rebellious
But if you get to know me
You'll see, I'm an angel underneath

I wanna fly away
The sky ain't the limit
I'm an angel with no wings
But nothing can stop me from dreaming
Have yourself a goal
But have no limits

I wanna fly away
Sky ain't the limit for me
No the sky ain't the limit for me
No matter what you've been told

Never believe that the sky is the limit
Possibilities are endless
So you should never stop dreaming
©2002

Quietly...

Were do I go from here? I wouldn't say I'm overwhelmed by life, just that I am getting unexpected blessing. Maybe not blessings but I guess I'm learning to make the best out of everything. So a friend is leaving soon...Not only a friend, a past love. He's leaving for my dream destination! Lol, thought about going but I guess I have to say I have unfinished business here. Maybe someday.

I'm grabbing the bull by it's corns, I'm finally ready to face this life and what comes my way. Why? Because I know I can, and I want to. Just having the desire to, gives you wings to fly and when you can fly, there is absolutely no limit. I am not giving up, not now, not ever. I know what I want and I will reach out for my goals. I will leave the distractions asside and keep my head up high every step of the way and come what may.

I'm doing all this soo quietly, not creating much waves. This life was mine to grab and so I am. Now I choose succes in what I've been dreaming of for so long. Quietly, I am making my way to the top, hope you all do the same, and see you there!

Take care all!

Nobody knows...

Just a part of Tony Rich's project describes how I feel but I guess it's more than enough...

"These four walls are closin' more every day
And I'm dying inside
And nobody knows it but me
Like a clown I put on a show
The pain is real even if nobody knows
And I'm cryin' inside
And nobody knows it but me"

Funny how nobody knows me, how I feel...I do hide it but I don't know, I guess I still hoped maybe, just maybe, someone out there cared or could feel it. Who cares? I said that not long ago...didn't know how much I meant it. But I feel I really do...you know how sometimes you can be so wrapped up in your little problems to the point you don't take enough time to listen? And by listen, I mean listening, to more then what is being said. But who cares anyways? I don't even think I do.

I'm the kind to freak out over little things and pretend everything is fine...Well they're not, hell, what's wrong with me??? Geez, I'm always sooo scared of imposing with "my stupid little problems". I think I could be a drama queen if I was given the chance to. Not that I want to be, but just once, I'd like to be able to freak freely and not feel like I'm overreacting and causing unnecessary stress around me.

Yup, that's me, one minute wanting to express myself, the next not wanting to burden others...Well, lol, I still open up my mind when it's something bugging me about them! Well I just have to get some sleep, I'll probably feel better in the morning... ;)

How Long?

How long can you pretend everything is alright before it all comes crashing down? I thought I was alright...well I guess, maybe I was pretending after all. Yeah, I probably was...trying to stay strong when deep down I'm soooo scared...I don't know why all of a sudden I'm freaking out. I expected things to be different for sure but why am I loosing all composure?

I tell myself, nothing will change whether I freak out or not so I try not to for the sake of those around me but I just don't know anymore how long it'll be before the break down. I wish I was naturally strong. Stronger than I pretend to be. That it wasn't a mask that maked me look in perfect control when I could lose it all.

I'm feeling the pressure, maybe it's all pressure coming from me, but I still feel it. It's driving me crazy, I just hate it. There's so much I want and yet so much I have to do. Why do they have to constrast and collide forcing me to chose...I can't, probably won't until the last moment when I'd be facing very difficult choices with a need for a decision to be taken immediatly...Hmmm...is that how long?

"Was Good While It Lasted"

"Don't bother holding on to 'maybes because most of the time, they turn out to be 'nots'.'' Annabella, 21

From Cosmopolitan (or "the Bible" as they call it in "Legally Blond") September 2005 issue, 40th birthday issue! ;) (Relationships advices) Some people base their love life on maybes. Yeah, I've done it, here's my story...

You know that first love...you're not really sure what love is but you are pretty sure that when it knocks on your door, you'll know. My story starts with Abraham (I'd like to say he was my first love, but I guess it was just infatuation.), he was one of the first guy in my life I felt I had strong feelings towards. I messed things up and hope I could fix it and that somehow we'd be back together...That was my first maybe that turned out to be "not"...He wasn't the one for me and I gotta say I realised it after putting little to absolutely no effort at getting him back and him acting the way he always had: like a big brother!

Years later, I met Dylan....kinda still hooked up on how I had "messed" things up with Josue, I figured this time, I wouldn't let him get away. He was my first love...I realised Josue before was nothing, just a little flame from when you're young. I loved Dylan and figured I'd never give up no matter what. Well, he gave up on me...and for a relationship that barely lasted a few months (and I'm including the ones he had a girlfriend, it took me three years to move on. I was holding on to maybes. It's like I was living just by telling myself: "Someday he'll realise he still loves me and maybe he'll come back to me..."

Amazing, for three years I waited for him??? Based on a maybe? Lol, thinking about that now, I think it's silly but in a way, I guess it helped me grow. Dylan was never totally gone, which might explain why the maybe was stuck like crazy. Anytime I'd feel I was gaining the power back, there he was and so was the maybe. Deep down I always knew he still cared. So it went on...until the day I got a phone call to meet up with him. A blast from the past I had desperatly been waiting for so of course, I didn't really think twice and ran to see him...

Some things in life just hurt...like that day, seeing he hadn't change at all, he was back with his ex, begging for my forgiveness (again), kept contact with someone from the time we were dating and yet, would only contact me once or twice a year if I was lucky! I played it cool, pretended to be indifferent when I wanted to scream: "I still love you, I've been waiting for you to come back." It wasn't coming...I guess that was the learning process, my heart was slow to accept that the maybe wasn't quite right but my mind did.

I changed my number after that episode. It was hard...I had always told myself I was holding on to that number for business and then it was in case someone would contact me out of the blue years later but who was I kidding? I had no business and the only call I had expected turned out not to be quite what I wanted and brought more pain than anything. I thought it was over. A few months later I was moving on and starting a new life. I thought I was ready to get involved with someone else, that the maybe was far behind me. Being hopelessly romantic, I wonder how I even thought the maybe was gone or that Dylan was gone for that matter...

My relationship with Lionel (the new man) sunked, which wasn't much of a surprise. While I was once again holding on to a maybe ( a new one), Dylan was back. I was more than happy to tell him off, play with his emotion, make him suffer as much as I possibly could...I wanted payback or, I was trying to figure out how honest his feelings were...

And you want to know what? In the end, his feelings were genuine (in his own way) and I almost gave into that "maybe if we were still together..." But I figured, been there, done that, I was going to run after the past just like he was. I figured it was about time I really moved on with my life because the maybe's never end. We were not together anymore and there was a reason for that. Three years later, he was still as scared as he once was. I don't think you ever stop loving someone, but you move on, sometimes it's better to.

I ruled against my maybe and I will yet again in the future with someone else. I want to move forward not look back. Know that expression: "Was good while it lasted"? Make it my point. I will keep the good memories and move on...maybe someday...? Yeah, it's ok just to not say never I guess, but I'm definitly not putting my life on hold for it! ;)

Happily Narcissistic

I have missed writing...And there's been sooo much change in my life. Like assuming myself...(well getting a big head is more like it but, whatever!) I like this!!! I like being narcissistic, I AM narcissistic and I say it loud and proud! I think I deserve to be. After many poor life and love choices, I'm back on track. In order to spoil myself, I have decided I would see myself as worthy of the best. And how do you do so? It's obvious, you just see yourself as the best!

My sister used to annoy me like crazy because she's a bit like this, it has it's advantages. For example...I won't deny I could afford to lose 5 to 10 pounds and yet, I know I look and feel great!  I don't even need to be told. I just feel like a million bucks. Like my sister when she'd look at herself in the mirror and would say: "Danze!" (Bare with me...this word doesn't exist and it's hard for me to figure out how to write it so it's easy for people who speak english (it's kinda in french) to pronounce it right.) Let's just say it means: "In that outfit I could cause a crash!" Lol

I call it the side effects of singlehood. Well for me at least...I realised I settle for less in the past so thinking I'm the best makes me wait and I shall choose carefully, next time, who is worthy to be mine. Right now, I am having a BIG problem (well not really 'cause I don't mind being single) but guys seem to want to have their cake and eat it too. Since when do you get intimate with someone before the relationship? I mean, it happens but if it's primarly what you're looking for don't try to let me think you'll ever be serious!!! I do not want a friend with benefits! Lol, sometimes I feel like I have to draw a picture! ;)

Narcissistic me says I'll do what I had planned to do before, maybe wait a year into the relationship before being intimate with someone. Not just anyone can or will get some lovin' from me and AMEN to that!!! Well I have never been easy but now that even includes the effort I'd put in a relationship. If a guy wants to be with me, he better show me he will work at it if we're having troubles. I'll do my part but not even a tiny bit more than what is required. He's gotta know he's lucky he even got a chance to talk to me in the place! Refer to the title if you have a problem with that! Lol

From where I'm standing now, it feels great to be me and I wouldn't trade it for the world. I am full of project, potential and talent and I'm not looking for anyone to validate that. Would be cool someone to share it with but being alone is definitly not what will stop me. I have loved and I was "wrong" so now, I'm saving all this love I have for me. I'm happily narcissistic and will only change that for the most amazing person in the world!

So come on, be a little narcissistic, I don't think it's never really hurt anyone! ;)

A Dose of Reality

Let's see: anyone who knows me probably saw that one coming! Lol, it's about reality tv (partly). I just watched Million Dollar Baby and Little Black Book. Million Dollar baby doesn't have much to do with reality tv but, in some ways, looking at a boxing match on your tv, waiting to see who will win is reality tv. I hate boxing (still I liked the movie) and most reality shows but anyways, back to the subject, really.

When the movie started, (Little Black Book) I mentionned to my sister, the job the main caracter has, is a job I'd like, as in working for tv...definitly not a talk-show or reality tv. She told me to watch the extra they had on that job. Quite deceiving 'cause it was on talk-shows, I'd do that job but not for a talk-show!

My own sister doesn't know me that well...sad, this is my reality! And it got me wondering why the hell some people can read me sooo wrong!! I was called for the Ricki Lake show (best example of not knowing me). Now, I was told the title of the show was : "I have a crush on you" came with a warning that it could be anyone even a 90 years old neighbor! A coworker etc, etc...I didn't say yes, said I had to think about it. I didn't care about the free weekend to New York, star treatment or anything...I cared for the subject...

And I shouldn't have because it got me pissed as hell. Now anyones who knows me, even just a bit, knows, or at least should know (especially if they're saying they have a crush on me) two things :

1.-I have a crazy unpredictable temper.
2.-If you have something to say, say it straight to my face.

This is why I chose not to go. Snapping on National television doesn't give me a kick! Hell no, I figured I'd make a fool out of both of us 'cause I'd probably scream something like : 'Hell, no!" Or, "you really had to bring me on tv to tell me that?" or anything rude you can think of. I don't need my life on National tv, thanks! So I turned it down. You wanna know what the best part is? I got to figure out who was stupid enough to call the show, I even got to find out the real subject : "I'm not sure I'm gay, can I kiss you to find out"...Now, if you know me, picture me with a forced smile...

I almost killed the guy! One thing's for sure, he would've been humiliated on tv by me! Two reasons, he damn well knew he was gay, he just wanted a free trip to New York to meet a new guy and I hate those kind of lies.

Why do those freaking shows exist? I watch Maury sometimes, I think his show still has some class (some). But hell, there's that reality craze going on! It's not reality people!!! Wake up. I think people like me who'd rather live their lives quietly and not have the whole world know, are more real than any idiot who wants to wash their dirty laundry on tv. Oh, yeah, you look so intelligent on tv saying you cheated with so and so and so or telling your lover that you really are a man. Say it in private please, will you?!?

I saw that guy who almost cried asking his girlfriend why she couldn't have just told him what she did privately at home. While I did feel sorry for the guy and changed channel (I still wonder how come they think tears bring ratings), I still thought to myself : "Hello, Jerry Springer!!! Why are you crying for, fool! You should've known!". Take all those shows off the air, I don't know what to watch anymore!!! Sorry I'm not a happy camper, I just found out "Tru Calling" was cancelled and it seems like we're invaded by shows like : Big Brother, Survivor, American Idol and all this crap!!! Hear me please and bring my old tv back. And if you know me, DON'T EVER have a reality show call me! But you know better already! ;)

I Can Hear Your Soul...

I don't always spend much time with my friends. Shame on me. I could blame it on a busy schedule, but most of the time it's just lazyness or plain stupidity. I LOVE my friends! They're incredible, yet somehow, I sometime spend time with people who are less worthy or my presence and who's presence I enjoy a lot less.

But it doesn't seem to bother me completely and when I talk to them or see them, I still feel close as if we saw each other yesterday. I gotta say, most of my friends, well all my friends are blessed with talent. I'm quite lucky, I get to read, see or hear beautiful creations every now and then. I never realised that in a way, it's what keeps me close to them. Not talking about whatever, just hanging out etc....I mean, that too but all the writing, the singing, the amazing talent. the way they express themselves through art....I can hear their soul...(way of speaking)

It's beautiful, really. And I am happy to be so blessed. Whether it is a new blog by Kat or Jo, a song by Oscar and even Kat, I can hear their voice rendering it the most perfect way possible, because it's all their's...It's all them. It's authentic, deep and beautiful. :) It's all them, who they are, who they'll be...

What makes them so unique and special may be that way they have of communicating. This openess, this beautiful soul...Who knows?! For now, all I can say is I cherish their friendship and every art piece they create Because it's theirs, because they're talented, and because I can hear their soul whispering through it all...

Declaration of independance...

From now on, I will be my own person
I will not let anyone tell me how I should run my life
I will not make my decisions based on other people's advice but what I think is right for me...

I have realised something...Only I know what's good for me. I am my own person and everyone has a different personnality. So, really, whenever I'm asking for advice, I usually take the one of the person I look up to the most, the wise ones (Kat and Rose when she feels like it)...or I do whatever I want. and hey, they've helped me a great deal.

But at some point I wouldn't listen anymore, I was just so much into thinking I was right, when, really, I wasn't thinking at all. Mostly has to do with love...I've been foolish I have to say...I've been lost. Anyhow, I've decided to say what I mean and mean what I say. So I wear my heart on my sleeve...like I used to. I may be bound to get hurt doing this, but man, it feels soooo good. I think that's the only way to be truly happy.

I won't overthink anymore, I'll do what my heart tells me is right. I will enjoy the little moments in life, I will no longer feel guilty over what I can not control. If I make a mistake, I'll do my best to fix it and if I can't, well, I'll try to learn from it and move on. I've always said no regrets, but that should include guilt and everything else. Even better, I'll talk less about my life. To keep a little mystery and keep away unwanted advices.

This is life, this is me, Caroline. As real as can ever be. I won't ever try being someone that I'm not 'cause in the end, it doesn't suit me. If you hate me, it's alright, I think I got plenty of friends who love me, just the way I am. That's how it's suppose to be. So live fully, enjoy and be your own person. ;)

Love Is Such A Crazy Thing

That's the title of a song by P!nk....I think it would be right to say that I'm totally lost and confused. I'm pretty sure I want to be alone. But how do you open up your mouth to say that to someone you love when you know it could hurt them?

I don't want to wait after love. I just wanna live and I know it should (and will) find me. It has in the past why not now? Love hurts...I know, but to what extend? Maybe I have unrealistic expectations for the one who'd share my life. Or maybe those who want to share my life have unrealistic expectations...

Hell, I hate this...Real love is selfless I believe, yet I find myself wanting to be selfish...maybe I don't believe anymore or don't feel the reciprocity. I don't think I do. I doubt I'm the saddest person on this earth or the only unlucky one in love. It just seems to me that whenever, I chose I'll always be wrong, I can never be right.

Blind dates maybe...I'd have my friends hunt for me, find me a perfect guy and take it from there. But I'm picky, lol, that idea wouldn't last long and after a friend tried to play matchmaker, I've realised she wasn't good at it and you can just have nothing in common (well when you don't talk it's hard to tell, lol) with someone! It wasn't a date, just a night out that turned out to be a total nightmare! Lol, I'm still trying to erase the memory. I might tell this story and other humiliating ones some other time.

I gotta come to the conclusion that I am not happy. My life is nothing like I expected, I can live with that, but perpetuating agonising situations is plain stupid. I'm taking a leap of faith, hoping life will treat me right after I turn around and decide to move on with my life.After all, from what I know, I told myself that if I dind't find what I was looking for, if I couldn't be happy, I'd chose me.

I had a list of things I wouldn't accept, but then again...love makes you blind. Man, I should refer to my "Everything You Want" blog whenever, I wanna get close to someone. One can only make a mistake a couple of times before moving on...Well, I sure hope! Lol

Enough blogs for today, you all take care and don't follow my example ;)

Some Things You Gotta Deal with...

So here it is...my dad's got a tumor and my grandpa...well he's kind of a time bomb. And nobody sees that I'm not dealing well with this. My life is going crazy, I don't know what I want, I don't know what to do... Well, I'm lying a bit, I'm not happy and I know why. It has nothing to do with my dad or grandpa but the choices I've made... The consequences of the choices I've made, the ones I have yet to take, and the ones I'm not acting on.

I'm a bad family member...I've been neglecting my family, my friends and my entire life for someone "I love"...Yeah, maybe I doubt that now, I've got my reasons. It's not too late I should be doing something about it but I have another problem....I'm not good at talking. Small talk is fine, but when feelings are involved...man, I suck. I don't know what to say to my dad. And my grandpa, I love him, but it's hard going to the hospital all the time, see him lying there saying he wants it to be over...

I don't want it to be over. I barely ever visit him but I love him. I know he must go, maybe soon but it's hard to accept and I stay away a bit. It hurt so much when my grandma died...I don't wanna go through this again though I must.

So is this a time to look back and see how bad of a grand daughter and daughter I have been? I don't need to be told. I already know. A friend? Well I've been trying lately and I guess I'm not so bad since I haven't been told to get lost.

I'm not sure what to do, well I know what to do but I'm not sure how. And I guess I wanna talk to someone...But I'm guessing it's late and no one cares...why would they anyways? I haven't been an example...

I have a song called "Hapiness In A Bottle" that kinda relates to the way I live my life by pretending some things don't exist. Like my dad's tumor or my grandpa numerous heart attacks...Doesn't mean that I think they'll be okay, just that I'd rather stick my head in the sand and tell myself comes what may before running away from whatever comes.

Wish I could tell the future...Maybe it would help me move forward and stick my head out of the sand. but this is life and I can't so I'll just learn to deal with it. With everything coming my way.

In Less Than One Year...

This is a very old text (from about 7 years ago), very emotion charged to me. My sister told me once that God manifests himself sometimes by sending a particular person our awy when we need it the most...I don't know if it's God I have to thank, but he is the story...

P.S.: I'm adding some explainations as I go...the text is old and some parts could be explained better.

In Less Than One Year

In less than one year, I started to believe in myself. In less than one year, I started to believe in my dreams. In less than one year, I changed my way of seeing life. In less than one year, I found the real me. In less than one year, I regained hope. I can say it took less than one year for my life to really begin.

We all have periods in our lives when we feel down. When it seems like nothing goes the way we planned. It's normal, we're human beings. We're not perfect. Sometimes, it's worse, you don't want to go any further, you've got more than just the blues. You're totally depressed. I was in Secondary 2 (second year of high school) when it happened to one of my friends. It took time to realize that I was depressed too. But when I realized it, I didn't want to ask for help because I would always do everything myself and I didn't want to look stupid with my little problems. I stopped hanging out with my usual friends, I would spend more time with that girl. It seemed like only we could understand each other. Maybe this is why it was dangerous. We both had problems, problems we felt couldn't be solved. I guess sharing our problems only made us feel worse. We started thinking about suicide. I remember how we would talk about it, in a way people wouldn't hink we had it in mind. Well, not completely, in some way, it was a cry for help, we wanted them to notice, to realize what was happening.

I used to wonder if she had more luck than I did but I realized she didn't. She went to see a psychologist and he said she had to go on a trip, she had to get away for a period of time to forget her problems (what she considered to be, it was more like getting away from the source.) She did. The time she was gone, at the beginning, I felt lonely. It was as if nobody cared as much as she did. I stopped believing in everything. It's around that time, that a teacher, I hadn't really paid attention to, saved, in some way, my life. As I said, my friend and I were thinking about suicide. I might sound selfish but now, I think the fact that she went away was the best thing to ever have happened to me, well, next to this teacher maybe.

When someone is absent, you can't speak to that person, so I couldn't speak to her, so I started to listen in class. That teacher was wonderful. He would treat us as equal, not like other people who feel they have to show they are superior or something. I learned a lot tjat year, he was more than only a French teacher and when I'm saying I learned a lot, I mean, I learned more than French. He would tell us to believe in ourselves, to beliweve in our dreams and not let anyone tear them away. He would always encourage us to do what we wanted to do an to be proud of ourselves. He told us that whatever our dream was, if we really believed in it we would succeed.

My friend wasn't as lucky as me, her trip made things worse for her, in some way because she fell in love and she had to come back. She found out she was pregnant and that less than a week after she got back home, he was already with another girl. She didn't keep the baby and I promised myself never to judge her. Instead I tried to understand what she was going through and to help her. I knew her reason and I respected her choice. It was hard because I have always been against abortion and I know she used to be. Still, she couldn't raise a baby in her state of mind.

When she came back, We both had changed, changed, but in very different ways. I wanted to make her understand that even if life wasn't wonderful, we could make ours better. I don't know, I guess she didn't understand or she didn't want to understand what I was trying to tell her because it seemed to me she wasn't getting any better. She moved, she said she'd keep in touch but she didn't really keep in touch. She would send a letter to someone we both knew and she would just say she was ok.

Today I've been told she's doing fine and that she has overcome her problems. I don't know how she did but I'm happy for her. I know not everyone has as much luck as we did . We didn't commit suicide and I think the only reason I'm here today is because I met a person who helped me. Personally, I can say, that year, I decided who I wanted to be, what kind of person I wanted to be. I decided to fight for what I believe is right, for what I deserve. Not to let anything or anyone bring me down and to always believe in myself. Because like one of my English teachers would say all the time: "If you don't scratch your own back, nobody else is going to do it for you."

I don't really have a conclusion because it's a period of my life and my life hasn't come to an end, yet. But, I think to conclude this text, nothing's more appropriate than my introduction so, like I said before: "In less than one year, I started to believe in myself. In less than one year, I started to believe in my dreams. In less than one year, I changed my way of seeing life. In less than one year, I found the real me. In less than one year, I regained hope. I can say it took less than one year for my life to really begin."

The writing isn't the best but I didn't want to modify it. It's a part of my life and funny part in a way is I was maybe 16 years old when I wrote that text and I still reach out to it every once in a while. To remind myself why I'm still here and why I can't give up. If there is one thing I want to remember after all this time is, and I quote form the text: "even if life wasn't wonderful, we could make ours better."

Keep that in mind. I sure try to, and when I forget, I reach for that text.

Love you all ;)

Scratch your own back because nobody else will do it for you...

I had kinda forgot that line a teacher used to say all the time. Still she'd scaratch our back every once in a while. Don't take it litterally...by that she meant that you oughtta take care of yourself and put yourself first because others won't put you first. You see, we live in an individualistic society...people worship the "me, myself and I" mentality... I don't think I do...I try to think about other people, sometimes more than myself.

Feels good when you get recognition for what you do...doesn't it? Does it happen often though? Hmmm...if you're lucky like I once was, it happens or happened often. Unfortunatly now I gotta learn to scratch my own back. I'm always scared of sounding narcissistic so I stay in the shadow, don't brag about what I do great etc. If I'm asked if I'm good at something, I always reply that I'm alright not amazingly good even if I'd be. Lack of confidence? Maybe...For sure, I'd never say I'm the best...when you're the best, there's not place for failure. But I do hate failing...When I do...it makes me lack even more confidence.

"The only difference between failing and falling is whether or not you choose
to get up." Author Unknown

Nice quote...I like it a lot, it is true...I associate it with the previous one. Even if you failed, you must've done something good; maybe it's just that you learned from your mistake. So scratch your back and get back up. We have a tendancy to look for comfort, love, tenderness elsewhere while it's right inside of us. Yes, it is...I've realised that...because only you know what you need, what's good for you. What you want, where you're headed...the choice is always yours...no one else's... Maybe this is why they won't scratch your back...

And if they do...maybe they have an ulterior motive? Oh, well who cares...It feels just as good scratching my back than having someone scratch it for me...even better scratching it myself I think...So this is it.

I say this to everyone...scratch your own back and feel damn good about it. And if someone scratches it for you, make it double. Always feels good! ;)

A table, a chair maybe?

Have you ever felt like you were part of the fournitures? Maybe the decoration... I guess everyone has, at leat once in there life. I don't like trying to be the center of attention. I'm the quiet one, I could be standing there for a while and you wouldn't notice. I'm probably crying inside 'cause I feel invisible when I know I am not. So why doesn't anyone care? Why doesn't anyone care to make me part of the life instead of the fournitures?

Maybe I give the impression that it's alright with me... Yeah, I guess, wll maybe not... I mean, I do get out of my corner every once in a while but I probably don't make a strong impression. Yup, that may be why... SO in a way I'm nothing...or it's just: "let her be, it's ok, she doesn't mind. ­" I DO MIND!!! Hell if I take the time to be somewhere, I doubt it was to stand in a lonely corner... Yeah, my corner.

That corner with I've shared a love/hate relationship with, for years. Love because when some creeps get on your case it's always welcome. Hate, because you can just become trapped in there and become it. Invisible...I'm not, I try to get myself noticed and not go overboard, 'cause I can't stand being the center of attention. I can't stand being ignored either. Am I normal?!

For example at a party, ever notice how everyone encourages you to come and once you're there, if you're like me, you're on your own! It's like a big : GOOD LUCK!!! And if you're "lucky" enough and you know the organiser will sure come to say hi and tell you to "join the party." Hell some will even try to force you into a group. They'll make presentations, stay a few minutes and once they're gone, well you're fourniture again.

Hell, I guess I deserve better than that, maybe I should learn to vocalize more?!? Just that it's hard to forget old me who'd go balistic and scream over nothing! I'd always make a fuss. It was pretty impossible to miss me unless, of course, you were deaf!!! I don't know, I've never found a balance. Really sucks, and sometimes you're not only in a corner, you're also cornered... You try to make yourself heard and it doesn't seem to work, you'd wanna leave but don't want it to seem too obvious why you are...

Lol, don't ask me for the answer to this dilemma. I guess it's all about how you see things. You choose to think about yourself or spare guilt to those who were surrounding you! So anyhow, let me know what your choice is. ;)

And you'll never know how good it feels...

Ok, I will sound narcissistic, but put it like that...I have a high opinion of myself. Everyone should. Lately I had some people in my life who were getting the best of me...Ouf, yeah, so out of 3, 1 is gone, Jill. That was just great and I told the others what bugged me about them! I think I never felt this good! So back to Jill, I wish I could say I cared a lot.

But I tell myself she never really appreciated me, took avantage of me, sure, but no real appreciation. This makes me value my real friends even more, but it also makes me suspicious of new people in my life. It's easy not to appreciate someone an take advantage of all the little goo things they bring into your life.

We had fun, shared laughter not really tears, mostly fun, but I realise I do not like what she brought into my life. Mostly, lets be honest, bad behaviour...it's cool for sometime but when you look back at it, you put it in the corner of your mind as youth mistakes! ;)

You'll never know how good it feels...yeah, that's for her but in my life, Jill's not the only one who's done me wrong. I LOVE my friends! I'd be there 'til the end and I'd do whatever I can for them. Well so long as I consider them real friends...I'm picky and anytime I've let my guards down, well,I've realised I shouldn't have. I can hold a grudge, won't let it destroy me but believe me, I can hold it forever.

I can also forgive but it will never be the same. Know the saying: "You're forgiven but not forgotten." That's what I live by. So anyone who does me wrong will never know how good it feels to have someone like me in their life. A friend that will be there and not give up on you unless you give up on me. 'Cause if you do, in a way, you're just not a friend at all. I bother for some people but not all. Some I just know I care and always will no matter what they do. Others, I just let go...they don't deserve my worrying.

As for those of you (my friends) if you don't know that I care you should know very soon and I've probably told you before. But I sure will once again and every once in a while so you always know, you are special to me. I definitly know how good it feels to have you in my life. ;)